Depression, medication & The Holidays

I always feel inadequate at Christmas time. There hasn’t been a Christmas that I didn’t feel as though I did not provide enough for my children….well wait….there was a Christmas that a large lump sum of money was received and a large amount of that spent on gifts.

I realize the meaning of Christmas has nothing to do with gifts! My kids in no way have ever been ungrateful at Christmas time either. I just spent so many years as a single parent and because I hardly ever had disposable income throughout the year at Christmas time and tax time is when the kids got a lot of what they needed for the year and a few things they wanted.

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This is the first year we’re having Christmas with NO kids currently living in the house. For some reason, probably my only partially medicated depressed brain, I still feel the same or more pressure to have plenty of gifts. There isn’t an exact number of gifts that I’m trying to reach but once I get them all out, as I did last night, I immediately see that it isn’t enough for : kids, grand kids , grand kids by association (no less important) and “daughter in laws” .

At any rate, before my partial medicine refill I found out the nurse practitioner I was seeing has left the Dr. office. So of course I have been dragging my feet until the very end of my meds. I am still going to the “poor people clinic” (I say that affectionately) Even though I pay lots of money every pay period for insurance. In my defense I have called around a few times to find a primary physician and there are very few well so far none taking new patients.

So I feel as though I am rambling but I guess since it is my blog I can ramble but I don’t want to bore my 2 faithful readers, ha ha.

Yesterday I was going along in the Christmas spirit, getting things ready (I am picturing myself walking throughout the house in my ugly Christmas sweater that I don’t own, whistling Christmas songs even though I can’t whistle) for Christmas eve which is when we have our dinner and gifts. Then I get a call from my son (he is in county jail which I discussed in the post: The fine folks of F. City) and he tells me that although one county granted an OR another county filed 4 new charges that he is harassing a witness. Naturally he is in a small town so there is no open dates for jury trial until April!!!! So now my little heart is re broken just in time for the holidays!! So everything will have to get done with the weight of the world on my shoulders, a black cloud looming over my head, and the feeling of impending doom. You know, the usual (it would have sounded way cooler to abbreviate usual but who the hell knows how that is spelled, =) )

Ok 2 readers (hi mom) I am off and running………..slowly

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