Anxiety/Depression/Baggage (it’s all related)

anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/wp-1539450923462..jpg
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
“he felt a surge of anxiety”
synonyms: worryconcernapprehension, apprehensiveness, uneasinessunease, fearfulness, feardisquietdisquietudeinquietudeperturbationagitationangstmisgivingnervousness, nerves, tension, tenseness; More

 Depression:
1: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
“self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”
2: a long and severe recession in an economy or market.
“the depression in the housing market

Baggage:

past experiences or long-held ideas regarded as burdens and impediments.
“the emotional baggage I’m hauling around”
wp-1539451156930..jpg
It wasn’t until the last couple of weeks that I realized anxiety was the voice I kept hearing in my head telling me “you can’t do this” “you don’t have time for that” “remember, that is too hard to do” “you aren’t smart enough to accomplish________” I kept identifying the feelings as stress! This is a link I found for screening tools that can help you sort through various mental health issues:
Growing up I thought that people could just look at me and see right through me. I was sure that people could tell that I was growing up with a shit home life, poor, parenting myself, abuse etc. It took me years of adulting to know that wasn’t the case.

I’ve been going to counseling since I was 9 years old! Well off and on anyway. Any counseling before I was 20 was mainly court ordered due to being in foster care and/or related to resolving issues of abuse which looking back never was successful.

1_IN_10perpetratorsrisk_factors_3SIGNS

If you or someone you know has been abused:

GET HELP NOW

CALL 866.FOR.LIGHT OR TEXT LIGHT TO 741741

You are not alone – resources and support are available. Call to have questions answered or chat with a trained crisis counselor, 24/7 at no charge. All conversations are confidential.

 

Researchers estimate that 38% of child victims disclose the fact that they have been sexually
abused.5,6 Of these, 40% tell a close friend, rather than an adult or authority.7 These “friend-to-friend”
disclosures do not always result in reports. This means that the vast majority of child sexual abuse
incidents are never reported to authorities, though research suggests that disclosure rates to authorities
may be increasing.

Finkelhor, D., Ormrod, R., Turner, H. A., & Hamby, S. L. (2012). Child and youth victimization known to school, police,
and medical officials in a national sample of children and youth. Juvenile Justice Bulletin, (No. NCJ 235394). Washington,
DC: United States Department of Justice, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.

I’ve always avoided discussing the abuse I endured growing up. I stuffed it down deep for years and spent my time perpetuating chaos subconsciously avoiding my childhood. I did have counselors that would elude to the fact that I wasn’t covering the root of all my problems but I was hell bent on putting out fires because that required less effort.

Finally I moved back to Decatur in 2013 and life started to be less chaotic and as a result I had more time for self reflection. wp-15322971963037355743889565155872.png

In 2015 I found an amazing counselor who let me avoid the topic of abuse for awhile but then started pressing me. That eventually led me to finding a counselor at Growing Strong Sexual Assault Center but not until 2017 and I only went a few times AND I verbalized what I had endured ONCE and thought I was cured and didn’t go back.

This situation is actually intertwined with another that I’ve been going through this year. I would not say at all that my childhood was actually the cause of my opiate addiction but after finally openly discussing some things with the counselor I am seeing now I can see a correlation.

People who misuse opioids often report extensive histories of childhood maltreatment, which include emotional and physical abuse, emotional and physical neglect, and sexual abuse……Authors:News Author: Batya Swift Yasgur, MA, LSW; CME Author: Laurie Barclay, MD

Of course it started with a prescription here and there over the years (2007-2015) and then it occurred to me that if I took pain medicine then I could work more. The pain in my feet, carpel tunnel and back would be relieved which curbed the fatigue and enabling me to work more hours. After the scripts ran out then I found opiates on my own and of course justified it all with the above reasoning.  This ties into the childhood issues because being sexually abused over many years by several men made me feel like damaged goods. If I could work more than I would be indispensable regardless of being damaged goods! If I could have identified these issues earlier in life it would have saved me a lot of heartache!

I started this blog for 2 reasons:

1: I was sure that writing this blog would be therapeutic

2: I wanted to help others

Point being, if there is anything that I would stress to anyone, DON”T WAIT! Don’t wait to take care of yourself!wp-15322981882021055409800515570857.png

I think it is safe to say that we all want some of the same things in life and just as I thought when looking it up the #1 thing was:

Happiness
Biggest Challenge:  “Not knowing what I want to do.”
Happiness is a choice folks.  It just is, plain and simple.  Every single day you get to decide if you are going to be happy or not.  I think the main reason most people are unhappy is because they are looking for something outside of themselves to “make them happy.”  Guess what, the new car, house, outfit, boyfriend, or girlfriend is not the answer.  The only person or thing that will bring you happiness is YOU…….Kathy Caprino  The Top 10 Things People Want In Life But Can’t Seem To Get.  

You can’t be happy if your anxious or depressed and the only way to beat anxiety and depression ongoing is to get rid of your baggage! The sooner you get rid of it the better! You can’t just ignore it, shove it down, alter your mind to avoid it….you have to take it step by step. You have to actually put in the sometimes long, tiring, frustrating, no immediate gratification work to boldly acknowledge your baggage (each piece individually) take it out, unfold it, see where it came from, why it is keeping you down and after you’ve gone through each one (like steps in the grieving process) you can then and only then fold it back up, put it in the bag and let it go!

Advertisements

Nursing in a nursing home 2

This first picture (I’ve used elsewhere on here) is me , my Mom and Melissa. This 2nd picture is since my mom had a stroke. In 2002 she had a stroke, spent 6 weeks in the hospital and then 6 weeks in a rehab to home program in a nursing home. I thank God that this was before I was a nurse! I genuinely think I was clueless about nursing homes at the time. In 2015 my husband had a diving accident and spent 3 weeks in Carle clinic a ‘trauma center/hospital”. I noticed E V E R Y T H I N G the staff did whether it was right or wrong and I acted a fool several times when they did something I didn’t like.

So imagine that feeling for your loved one!alexaanddad

Better yet imagine a nurse (and their are many) that take their job personally, to heart, wearing their heart on their sleeve! It is emotionally draining to be a nurse no matter what! Then to add 30+ human beings to it and 2 med passes in 8 hours and then threats if you work over, threats if you don’t, threats on your license you caused and didn’t.  30 human beings with a past, with a heart and a mind and a family that sees them how they were and wants you so badly to see that person the way they do so that you never forget that YOU are the person they are counting on to take care of their Mom who raised them fearlessly, or their Dad that never let them down and they don’t want to let him down.  Being a “nurse in a nursing home” whether you are a CNA, LPN, RN (Rob Good you are my super hero) is no easy task and it is so very hard to be present in their everyday life and then go home and pretend like nursing homes are equipped to take care of someone’s loved one in a way that will ease your mind enough that you can go to bed and sleep without a heavy heart!!!!

They say nursing is one of or the most trusted profession, well let me say a couple of things about that! 1: I know how to do nursing by the book and anyone that tells you that nursing home nursing can be done by the book is a big fat liar! You can’t take care of 30 resident’s in a way that follows what “the state” claims they expect and what the very same people know is the reality!! 2: The thing I heard most or the compliment I held nearest to my heart as a nurse is/was: “Sunshine it is obvious how much you genuinely care for your people” I  believe that more often than not nurses want to do a good job for their patients/residents and many nurses have varying ideas on what that is!

Every nurse has their thing they are good at, something they aren’t good at, something they stay away from at all cost (I am terrible with phlegm) and of course it can never be at all cost because nurses take care of business. That is our job under any and every circumstance!

What does it mean to be a “good nurse”?

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets/tweet_button.32d6c6b4cb1ed84df04e7f9705a90c47.en.html#dnt=false&id=twitter-widget-0&lang=en&original_referer=https%3A%2F%2Fscrubsmag.com%2Fwhat-does-it-mean-to-be-a-good-nurse%2F&size=m&text=What%20does%20it%20mean%20to%20be%20a%20&time=1536452696477&type=share&url=https%3A%2F%2Fscrubsmag.com%2Fwhat-does-it-mean-to-be-a-good-nurse%2F&via=scrubsmagazine http://www.facebook.com/plugins/like.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fscrubsmag.com%2Fwhat-does-it-mean-to-be-a-good-nurse%2F&layout=button_count&show_faces=false&width=85&action=like&colorscheme=light

Kati Kleber, RN
Kati Kleber, RN

 

“There is something about a good nurse. Having a nursing license and job doesn’t make you a good nurse. Working for 30 years doesn’t make you a good nurse. It’s not about being a good IV starter or being best friends with all of the physicians.

It’s so much less defined and measurable than that. It isn’t measured in letters after your name, certifications, professional affiliations or by climbing the clinical ladder.

It’s something you feel when you see a good nurse care for their patients. It’s that security you see in their patient’s eyes when they come in to care for them. It’s that nurse whose patient’s family member will finally go home to sleep and shower because they know their loved one is cared for with that nurse.

All in a week

I don’t know if I’ll ever post this but I’m writing it anyway. For the last 4 years I’ve been taking  prescription medication. I’ve tried to wean myself off. Last week I became so sick from a virus that I couldn’t get out of bed so I thought it would be a good time to try again! So last Wednesday I started titrating down (I’m in no way suggesting that this is the best way for anyone else to do this) and last night was the very last of the very last. I sweat and then I’m cold, back and forth, back and forth. I took my Wellbutrin and Buspar last night along with melatonin and I slept from midnight until 8am without my legs becoming restless which is amazing. However I couldn’t get out of bed until noon because I was still so tired and cold! Thank God for Edgar!

He keeps me going no matter what and if course my ever patient husband

They keep me in good spirits and faith keeps me strong. So being sick and tapering off “unnecessary” medication isn’t enough so mother nature made her appearance (my opinion about this is in a post: thank you Eve), my oldest son had been arrested the week before for a FTA (failure to appear) and was released on the same Wednesday as above (8/15/18) which could have been a good thing but that’s a whole post by itself.

So during this week 8/15-8/22 I’ve been trying to get things in order to start school (first class was Monday and thankfully it’s only 1 day a week) today I wake up and check the mail and find a letter saying my financial aid wasn’t processed because they were lacking documentation! Documentation I sent in last week during my misery

So I called and the person they told me to send the documentation to hadn’t even been in and had 45 emails she hasn’t gone through. They claim however that they will get it worked out!

Last but certainly not least it occurred to me that the reoccurring issue that I’m constantly running from is my childhood. The abuse that I haven’t addressed is holding me back. So yesterday I made an appt with growing strong sexual assault center that’s set for today at 2pm.

Soooooo that’s my week in a nutshell!

The Crime Report – Home

Criminal Justice…. This is a link to The CrimeReport a news and media site full of unbiased info, news and resources about our “criminal Justice system”

https://www.facebook.com/The-Crime-Report-110343137639/

“Nursing in a Nursing home”

Pretty early on in my nursing career I started planning an escape. Looking back I realize this was much like relationships I didn’t want to be in. I would stay because it was easier then starting anything new. At times I would stay in spite of how miserable I was……..in nursing and in relationships. Additionally I may not have left if someone hadn’t opened the door and shoved me through!

I quickly came to loathe the feeling that I couldn’t change things that bothered me such as passing pills to 29-54 people twice in an 8 hour shift and deal with emergencies and trying to give everyone the time and attention they deserve!! So many times I’ve tried to understand why these hardworking retired folks are treated like it is a nuisance when they ask a person (being paid to take care of them) to take them to the bathroom. An even better question is : Why does the person being paid to take care of your mom taking care of a minimum of 7 other people, therefore making it difficult to take everyone of these often physically or mentally impaired or both to the bathroom every time they ask, or every 2 hours if they can’t ask. The reality of it is: your mom is lucky if she get’s taken to the bathroom twice in an 8 hour shift!

—-In  2012, total spending (public, out-of-pocket and other private spending) for long-term care was $219.9 billion, or 9.3% of all U.S. personal health care spending. This is projected to increase to $346 billion in 2040.42 [Updated February 2015]—-42 National Health Policy Forum (2014) The Basics: National Spending for Long-Term Services and Supports. Retrieved (January 2015) from http://www.nhpf.org/library/the-basics/Basics_LTSS_03-27-14.pdf

I have been pondering the whole “nursing in a nursing home” thing lately. I’ve come to realize I can’t see where anyone actually knows what happens in nursing homes, like no one even discusses it. Well I’m really thinking I’m going to write some posts that are candid about “nursing in a nursing home”

Sunday to Sunday

I started this post last Sunday (7/22/18) It feels as though everyday is a fight against/with depression.  I don’t know the last time I “checked in” with myself but I know that every time I “check in” (or maybe every other time) with myself the conversation sounds about the same  “why am I so tired and in so much pain” “have I been absent from mindfulness for so many minutes, hours, days, weeks that I have forgotten something important” “have I been taking my medicine” “this can’t be a normal way to feel”

Sunday’s seem to be the worse for self reflection. Especially if things haven’t been great for me!

Since I didn’t complete that post I will use this as an opportunity to point out the difference a week can make! 

I am in a much better mood this Sunday. I’m sitting here now, reflecting on the last week. I am not sure what has contributed to this better mood but instead of coming up with something to answer the above question, my mind wondered off to many other things!  Before I moved back to Decatur in 2013 I had very little opportunity for stability which meant I was always rushing through things because I knew something would soon be changing ie: where I lived, where I worked, going to school and so on. Now for the first time I have lived in the same place for 5 years and I was working at the same place for 5 years. I’ve been in the same place long enough to see the 3 younger kids have all graduated high school and have went to college and are living on their own. I’m rambling aren’t I? Well to reign it all in: I’ve never had the stability that I now have which has afforded me the opportunity to catch up with myself and even start to like myself! I just registered for college again! I’ve always wanted to get a bachelors degree and I’ve always wanted to get paid for doing something I like…..helping people…….but nursing wasn’t meant to be forever……..

To understand why nursing wasn’t meant to be forever I am writing another post: “Nursing in a Nursing home”

For goodness sake….I don’t think this post has actually been about anything in particular!!

Laziness

life won't catch up

 

I’ve never had trouble getting up and going to work (when I’m employed). I’ve never had trouble working 10 hour shifts, 12 hour shifts, doubles or my days off. In the 5 years at my last job I literally NEVER called in. In the summer of 2015 my husband had an accident which kept him in the hospital (45 min from home & work) for 3 weeks and when he came home he had 2+ months of healing. During the 1st week in the hospital my boss told me not to come in the first 3 days, then I worked 2 days, driving back to the hospital each night and on the Monday of the 2nd week, the day of his surgery I thought working would keep my mind occupied but my boss told me there was no way she wanted me coming in. Each scheduled day after that I went to work!tired nurse

So, the point to the above rambling is that I can’t say I am lazy when it comes to work but other than that it feels as though I am. Is it that I am lazy or that depression keeps me from wanting to do much? Is it just negative self talk that tells me that I am lazy? Is that the same voice that tells me that I can’t do this or I can’t do that!? It is as though the fatigue is unbeatable no matter how much sleep I get or how much caffeine I consume. I’ve had labs drawn several times and typically my vitamin D is low but vitamin D never fixes the fatigue. Vitamin-D-Deficiency

Everyday I have all these things that I want to do. Things that are just routine and things that I have to leave the house for and things that would greatly benefit me. None of these are important enough (typically) to light a fire under my ass. The years that I raised my children by myself I could do anything under the sun as though there was a constant fire under me. So now that I don’t have to do everything I just don’t have the energy to do anything? superhero mom running

Well I will attempt to wrangle all this in! I realize my lack of energy is probably a combination of depression, lack of vitamin D and what I perceive as laziness may just be how life is when your not doing everything on your own. Everyday it is a battle not to have negative self talk: you can’t do it, you don’t deserve it, you will never follow through, blah blah blah. No matter how many self help articles I read I can’t convince myself that I can do what I put my mind to and I do deserve to try out my ideas and if they prove to be profitable I do deserve that as well.

5/11/18-5/16/18 The rollercoaster

So the interview was crazy on Friday. I thought I was the problem with the weird interview but then I found out later the lady interviewing me got fired. Saturday was okay. Sunday, Mother’s Day, my girls took me out to get lunch and a pedicure so that was nice. We had a late Mother’s Day supper and then on Monday I got to call to come back in for a second interview! Then on Tuesday I got a call saying I’m sorry we have to cancel your interview, due to previous job. All the while I’m trying to keep my footing and not fall into an abyss of self defeat I started a new medication to boot so I’m hardly able to keep my eyes open. If I continue to take it I’m exhausted and if I don’t then I’m doing nothing to treat the depression.

Unemployed

There is such a terrible connotation with being unemployed. Additionally when you are already depressed everything seems bigger than it is. The good news is, I have an interview tomorrow. The bad news is, I have an interview tomorrow and I have to give a reason for leaving the last place.

More good news, I’m leaving the house today!! Of course it’s 2pm on the 4th day but who is keeping track.

Everyone asks if I am ever anxious or ever have anxiety. I never feel I do unless I’m planning a get together or I have to speak on front of people. Having said that I think I’ve said before they’re constantly feels like something is looming over my head. I just don’t understand why I always feel like I need cheering up. Actually maybe that’s sort of the definition of depression now that I think about it.

I have all these wonderful plans all of which I could be working on at this moment but for some reason my present state of mine doesn’t seem to want me to get it done. It almost feels like self-sabotage LOL. I know for a fact that I could start a home health or senior sitter service and be successful because everyone that I’ve talked to you about it said they would certainly recommend me. So why don’t I complete the steps to get this going? I’ve been promising my husband for 2 weeks now that I would help him get an online store setup and I haven’t completed the steps for that either.

%d bloggers like this: