life won't catch up


I’ve never had trouble getting up and going to work (when I’m employed). I’ve never had trouble working 10 hour shifts, 12 hour shifts, doubles or my days off. In the 5 years at my last job I literally NEVER called in. In the summer of 2015 my husband had an accident which kept him in the hospital (45 min from home & work) for 3 weeks and when he came home he had 2+ months of healing. During the 1st week in the hospital my boss told me not to come in the first 3 days, then I worked 2 days, driving back to the hospital each night and on the Monday of the 2nd week, the day of his surgery I thought working would keep my mind occupied but my boss told me there was no way she wanted me coming in. Each scheduled day after that I went to work!tired nurse

So, the point to the above rambling is that I can’t say I am lazy when it comes to work but other than that it feels as though I am. Is it that I am lazy or that depression keeps me from wanting to do much? Is it just negative self talk that tells me that I am lazy? Is that the same voice that tells me that I can’t do this or I can’t do that!? It is as though the fatigue is unbeatable no matter how much sleep I get or how much caffeine I consume. I’ve had labs drawn several times and typically my vitamin D is low but vitamin D never fixes the fatigue. Vitamin-D-Deficiency

Everyday I have all these things that I want to do. Things that are just routine and things that I have to leave the house for and things that would greatly benefit me. None of these are important enough (typically) to light a fire under my ass. The years that I raised my children by myself I could do anything under the sun as though there was a constant fire under me. So now that I don’t have to do everything I just don’t have the energy to do anything? superhero mom running

Well I will attempt to wrangle all this in! I realize my lack of energy is probably a combination of depression, lack of vitamin D and what I perceive as laziness may just be how life is when your not doing everything on your own. Everyday it is a battle not to have negative self talk: you can’t do it, you don’t deserve it, you will never follow through, blah blah blah. No matter how many self help articles I read I can’t convince myself that I can do what I put my mind to and I do deserve to try out my ideas and if they prove to be profitable I do deserve that as well.


5/11/18-5/16/18 The rollercoaster

So the interview was crazy on Friday. I thought I was the problem with the weird interview but then I found out later the lady interviewing me got fired. Saturday was okay. Sunday, Mother’s Day, my girls took me out to get lunch and a pedicure so that was nice. We had a late Mother’s Day supper and then on Monday I got to call to come back in for a second interview! Then on Tuesday I got a call saying I’m sorry we have to cancel your interview, due to previous job. All the while I’m trying to keep my footing and not fall into an abyss of self defeat I started a new medication to boot so I’m hardly able to keep my eyes open. If I continue to take it I’m exhausted and if I don’t then I’m doing nothing to treat the depression.


There is such a terrible connotation with being unemployed. Additionally when you are already depressed everything seems bigger than it is. The good news is, I have an interview tomorrow. The bad news is, I have an interview tomorrow and I have to give a reason for leaving the last place.

More good news, I’m leaving the house today!! Of course it’s 2pm on the 4th day but who is keeping track.

Everyone asks if I am ever anxious or ever have anxiety. I never feel I do unless I’m planning a get together or I have to speak on front of people. Having said that I think I’ve said before they’re constantly feels like something is looming over my head. I just don’t understand why I always feel like I need cheering up. Actually maybe that’s sort of the definition of depression now that I think about it.

I have all these wonderful plans all of which I could be working on at this moment but for some reason my present state of mine doesn’t seem to want me to get it done. It almost feels like self-sabotage LOL. I know for a fact that I could start a home health or senior sitter service and be successful because everyone that I’ve talked to you about it said they would certainly recommend me. So why don’t I complete the steps to get this going? I’ve been promising my husband for 2 weeks now that I would help him get an online store setup and I haven’t completed the steps for that either.

The great state of Illinois!

I’ve been working as a nurse in long-term care for nearly 13 years. All 13 years have been in Illinois. Every time I come across a rule or regulation that seems absurd or somehow negatively impacts my residents I’m reminded that it’s the great state of Illinois who makes these rules. I absolutely love the concept that the people making rules for my residents are people who have never worked in long-term care. Now I’m sure that there is a rare instance when someone somewhere has been involved in the rule making process that has worked in long-term care but it’s not the norm. So when it comes to which medication my resident can take, if and when my 85 + year-old resident can have something for pain, if my resident can have a 6 inch wide bed rail to help them move around in bed, it’s up to the state of Illinois! My favorite though is the supposed Patient to caretaker ratio that has some magical formula that no one is really privvy to!! Supposedly my facility staffs Above This magical ratio of worker to patient which coincidently is decided by states themselves. There is no federal regulations!! As best I understand, each resident is required so many hours of patient care in a 24 hour period. So who gets to decide how much time each person deserves!?!? Here’s what I do know, our facility has roughly staffed our facility with 8 residents per CNA and anywhere between 15- 45 residents per nurse depending on the shift (the Medicare hall had the least amount of residents but the highest amount of charting) 15-30 on first and second shift, 45+ on night shift. Compared to other facilities these are decent staffing ratios, but we still have people waiting forever for basic needs: 20-30 min for the toilet, high fall statistics and too many UTI’s!! I thought I would never put this in writing but my God, I’ve come to the point that I work 2 hours over every night so I can go home with a nearly clear conscience!! My CNAs are exhausted by the end of their shifts (now that my kids are grown I prefer second shift because I don’t have to deal with day shift nonsense but I get to sleep in my bed at night) the only problem is that we have half the staff of day shift and all the fun off Sun Downers!! So above all, I thank the great state of Illinois and our ridiculous governor’s for making unrealistic rules (not to mention stealing money) and for continually lighting a fire under my ass anytime I think I can take a break from advocating for my residents!!

End of Life Care

I just came across a blog that had people comment about their fears and then asked others to respond with encouraging words. I felt this afforded me the opportunity to write about something I see quite often in LTC: fear and or acceptance of death and dying. I can’t express enough how very important it is that families discuss (more importantly put it in print) what they want to happen during end of life care! So many times families are not on the same page!!


I would just like to put my 2 cents in about suffering at the end of life. I have worked in LTC (long-term care/nursing homes) as a nurse for the last 12+ years. It is of up most importance to me that residents (that is what we call patients in a nursing home setting) and their family members understand the options available to them to keep comfortable when they are terminally ill. The need can be days, weeks, months or even years! Our house Dr has a list of orders that we put in place for comfort: pain meds, suctioning, different mattresses etc. This is pretty much the norm for hospice care as well. I urge everyone to be open and honest with loved one’s about what you see as “keeping comfortable” . It is so much harder to make these choices in the moment. Another great tool is: 5 wishes! Basically it is a form that you fill out to let everyone know what you want for end of life care. I know there are many reasons people fear death and dying but I feel that it is far less scary for those that make plans ahead of time!

“Job Security”

2 things that break my heart:

1. “This isn’t home” I am constantly told that LTC is a beast of it’s own and  can’t change it. Well guess what!?!? The facility I work in belongs to my residents and it is always up to them how my night goes. It is impossible however to convince my supervisors of this! They have asked me more than once (I have to give much love to my nursing supervisor Nicki…she is always going to bat for me even when I make her crazy) Getting back on track…..the biggest complaint from my residents…demented or not….. “this isn’t my home” I absolutely love how emphatically my “confused” residents tell me this! If they start out my 2-10 shift in this mindset I know it is going to be a 2-12 shift…….and nowadays this is most shifts!

2. “I try to do what I am told” if my resident tells me this… is on like Donkey Kong….heads are rolling one way or another!!!! I always respond: This is YOUR home and we are to do what YOU say!!!! We are here for the residents, it is their home and if it wasn’t for them then we wouldn’t have a job to begin with!

Moral to the story: Every day I go to work and I feel that I am faced with a moral dilemma: nurse according to the definition set forth by the state of Illinois: most nurses know that isn’t realistic, nurse according to my supervisors…much more doable but no where near “realistic” or piss off everyone in the front office and spend each shift nursing as though the shift is flexible and completely up to my residents!

The Fine Folks of F. City

I am beyond furious and due to a complete lack of ability to change current events, I am going to blog about a personal event going on with my family. Typically I wouldn’t really be ready/willing to post about this but I have to get out my overwhelming frustration somewhere, somehow.

1: My son is currently in the Piatt county jail in Monticello, IL. He just got out of prison about 2 years ago and completed parole a couple of months ago. Then he was arrested for supposedly making someone else  commit a crime. Apparently the states attorney has come to the conclusion that they do not have enough evidence to charge him but they are probably going to let him sit there throughout November and December.

2: Today I went to visit my son and the police chief showed up to take my phone because I supposedly threatened my daughter in law about testifying against my son. I in no way buy into conspiracy theories but this is at least the 3rd time the F.C. police department has wreaked havoc on my family.

3: I’ve reached out time and again to get help for my son before life got any worse for him and he is the very reason why I am so passionate about advocating for mentally ill, those in poverty and the terrible treatment going on in all American Jails and Prisons! Everyone thinks that since it is America that our prisons must be forward thinking but they absolutely are not!

For sh*ts and giggles I am posting the conversation between myself and my “daughter in law” so folks can judge for themselves!! I have to preface this with a couple of disclosures: 1. I was using speak to text 2. I can’t explain why Chealsie talks the way she does.

I do not know why you’re avoiding or ignoring me but Sean said to come see him in DeWitt County tonight I think he has court Monday the 6th although I guess you know that because you have to testify that day.

Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay yeah I do he was going to put me in jail when I had nothing to do with it and my kids come before your son… and no I was not my phone got dropped in water so I have to use my mom’s phone to get on anything and I was at work
First of all they were lying to you Chelsea but I guess you didn’t understand that and my grandchildren and my son are important thank you very much
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay well ur son was trying to send me to jail and I had nothing to do with it cuz he didn’t want to put his brother In jail fuck that… he talks about my sister being a bitch and don’t trust her but he will throw me In jail for nothing
But I will go see him sunfau
What are you talking about he’s trying to put you in jail? When did Sean try to put you in jail he told me the entire time not to be mad at you because you have to do what’s right for you and the kids
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay well then why are u trying to come at me crazy then… I love him and do what I have to this time but everyone got to lay off me about shot I have to do for my babys…. but seanna been asking about coming to stay with u
Chelsea you can’t just make stuff up like that we are talking about the life of someone I gave birth to so he is very very very very important to me and it’s a huge deal to say that he’s trying to put you in jail because that never ever happen! And I don’t know what you’re talking about coming at you crazy all I said is I guess you know that he has court is that not a fact?
The attorney told you that you didn’t have to make a statement to the cops you chose to do that because Farmer City cops are liars but it doesn’t matter because it will all be taken care of in court
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
He said that tho
Okay how do u no what they are going to ask
Who said what? I know what will be asked because I talked to the lawyer
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay so what will be ask then
And seanna wants to stay with u sumtime
I understand about Shawna Sean would like to see her as well. And I don’t know what you mean what is the state’s attorney going to ask for the public defender?
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay well seanna is going up there to see him Sunday but she is not coming with me on the 6th
Why is it that you always avoid me or ignore me or change your Facebook or run off or what have you every time Sean goes to jail but you guys been together 8 years if you don’t want to be with him when he’s in jail why don’t you just break up with him all together I’m so confused either you love him or you don’t
I’m saying did the State’s Attorney’s office tell you that you would be in trouble if you didn’t make a statement or did the police department tell you you would be in trouble if you did make a statement?
Because the attorney will ask you when you’re on the stand if you were promised anything for your statement such as not getting in trouble
When I went to see Sean on Sunday he had absolutely no idea that he had court as soon as November 6th that’s what I don’t understand
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Wtf are u taking about I moved back to get my god damn job back so I did and now am getting my apt and shit looking up for me why is that every time he is in jail everything works out for my life and I do love sean I will always love sean why is it that you don’t have shit to do with my kids but all about katilyns kids why do I have to say something to u about them or sean why can u ever call me and tell me your coming to get her but I love him and going to do what’s right this time
It has nothing to do with your kids Chelsea right now I can’t be around you I can’t separate my feelings so please stop digging at me can you not understand Shawn is my son?
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
I do understand do u understand that am doing what’s best for my kids
And I haven’t seen any rain kid in over 2 months so please stop feeling sorry for yourself. I feel bad enough as it is
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
I don’t feel sorry for my self am happy and don’t need this dream ass shit do i no your son did what he did now him and that is not my damn fault that your SON fucked up again I was at work I told him plz don’t and left for work the rest was on him
Chelsea Sean didn’t do s*** first of all but clearly you don’t have a clue what love is because love has absolutely no ending probation jail kids grandkids. The difference between you and Sean is he would be your ride or die you would never be his. Really I’m done with the conversation it’s none of my business it’s between you and Sean I just wanted to let you know that he wanted to see you and the babies and that he loves you and I pray to God that your statement doesn’t count for anything.
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Bye now
And sean did do something but believe what u want am not going down for no one when i had nothing to do with the tucked up shit
Sean did not physically do anything there’s absolutely no evidence to that so you can say you heard this before he said that but that doesn’t mean he did anything chealsie
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Bye now
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Nd the only time u guys talk to him on the regular is when he Is In jail like that’s the only time u talk to him on the regular… like i hate fighting with u but this not getting push on me I no I didn’t do shit wrong and no one on this world is going to make me fill any diff… but I will always and forever love sean nd you but this fighting shit has to stop
Do not ever message me again about when I do and do not talk to my son
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Tenor GIF Keyboard
You will just talk about not arguing and then you send some child ass s*** like that
Sean avoids me when he’s not doing right it has nothing to do with when I talk to him
Just please leave me alone chealsie

Sunshine Etc

I think nowadays people go crazy with diagnosis but if I were going to diagnose myself other than the obvious bouts with depression I would have to say I have terrible adult ADD! I say that half serious and half jokingly. They have tried me on a couple of ADD medications but the side effects are too much. I’m truly all over the place though whether it’s at home at work or in my mind. As any long-term care nurse would tell you the only way to get work done in a timely manner to be well organized. That just isn’t me needless to say and in addition to that my personality requires me to spend more individual time with my residence then an 8 hour shift will allow me. The administrative staff at my facility love most things about me, except my overtime of course! They have been trying to figure out a way to keep me around and decrease the overtime. The result is 12 hour shifts! This isn’t a terrible idea and I worked then 4 years ago when I started. I’ll be working 6p-6a which starts in November!

Stepford Nurse

So, I want to cover a few points before I actually get started. For those who don’t understand the title, there was a movie that first came out in 1972 and then quite a while later was remade and the name of it was: Stepford Wives. The point I got from the movie was that a man created the ideal wife (in his eyes) and then made or cloaned many more just like her. As I write the description I realize that the fact that I have to explain the title means that I am really freaking old.cookie cutter nurseI’ve always thought that men have man theories. I’ve noticed if you ask a man a question of any depth they always have an answer that they believe with all their heart which in turn sells the story to us! Well, in this blog post I’m going to give you Sunshine theories…..I’m going to state it so passionately you will be tempted to take it as fact……I’m telling you upfront this is only what I think and/or feel and I’ve come up with it through a combination of personal experience and information online… know, like:           “Dr. Google” and such. man theoryI take being a nurse very seriously and 2 things that every nurse should have directly following compassion is professionalism and common sense. My point being: I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so please know that I don’t say anything about nursing lightly. I have the up most respect for my residents, their families and the facility that I work for but I do it with a great deal of heart which often looks like stress to everyone else.                                                                                                                                            nurse means                              As I’ve mentioned  before , I have worked at my current facility for 4 years. I have worked the same “hall” or “pod” the entire time. The first year I worked 12 hour shifts overnight. We then changed to 8 hours shifts. I started working 2nd shift a shift myself and many others have avoided at any cost.  For those of you who aren’t aware of the dynamics of nurses and cna’s in LTC, every shift is it’s own animal/adventure and for some reason there is always animosity between the shifts. At any rate it can be hard to keep staffing on 2nd shift because it takes up the majority of your day. I’ve grown to love the shift except for Sundowners.                                                                                                                                                          Sundowning is a symptom of Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia. It’s also known as “late-day confusion.” If someone you care for has dementia, their confusion and agitation may get worse in the late afternoon and evening. In comparison, their symptoms may be less pronounced earlier in the day.

                         As I pointed out earlier every shift is different and each shift: Day, Evening, Night or 1st, 2nd & 3rd shift have their own special difficulties. I’ve worked all 3 shifts over the last 12 years so I understand that 1st shift is super busy but you also have more staff, 2nd shift is hectic because there is less staff and often or always (it seems) has more behaviors. 3rd shift has the least amount of staff (often the bare bones minimum) which wouldn’t be too bad except for the residents who not only refuse to sleep (because that in itself isn’t bad) but inevitably the residents that can’t sleep at night are also either the loudest residents and so they holler out all night or they are the residents who are not safe to transfer by themselves and like to pop up out of their seats or beds every 5 seconds.

This year has been increasingly difficult on my hall. No other nurses want to work it on my days off and all the CNA’s are getting overwhelmed. I know it is because I have a heavy hall when it comes to behaviors. I’ve always helped the CNA’s which of course puts me behind but as of recent it has been impossible for the residents to get the level of care I expect without me micromanaging the hall/shift. So the powers that  be have decided that I should “take a break” from my hall.Clinician-Well-Being-Graphic-768x646.png

In my mind that means I am throwing my residents and CNA’s to the wolves! This is very obvious proof that things should change in LTC.  There are the very task oriented nurses (that I am not) that can get everything done but often lack compassion.  I attempted for a week or so to be that nurse (stepford nurse) my supervisors said: “We have noticied you staying on task lately” and I responded: “I know how to be the kind of nurse you want me to be, that just isn’t me”. I think it was in that moment that it became clear that in order for me to give the individualized attention I desperately attempt to give each day something would have to change.

Everyone on the outside blames the facilities but the fact of the matter is they should also be blaming insurance and the state the facility is in as well.medicaid LTC.png

Although we are caring for human beings that pay a lot (or the insurance/state pays) and these folks have worked their butts off their entire lives and deserve to live out the remainder of their years with the best of care, in the end it still comes down to money and if the state isn’t paying (along with other money issues) then things will always remain the same. I am not completely naive, I realize facilities could come out of pocket for some things…..but out all the facilities I have worked at, my current facility, tries the hardest to provide appropriate staff and a very family friendly space. We have the best family involvement (at times they are very very involved, God Love Them!) that I’ve seen at any facility. Our facility holds activities that encourage family involvement and families, no matter how large can come eat with their family member at anytime for no cost!!

So here I am faced with a choice that really isn’t mine…. I have to take a hall with less residents if I want to provide nursing care in a way that allows me to sleep at night.



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