So I am sure that many people ponder the true meaning of love! However, I am not sure that everyone is willing to feel vulnerable enough to find any answers. I do believe there are some necessary ingredients in “love”. For the sake of this particular post I want to point out that I am speaking of the love between 2 people that are either married and or in a committed relationship that is intended to be long term.
There is more than one way to maintain a committed relationship! Having said that; maintaining a committed relationship that is loving and mutually respectful takes work every single day. It is much like anything else worth while in life: good health/ losing weight, raising well rounded children (sideways glance), a good education, a fulfilling career……it takes hard work, dedication, mindfulness, passion and a ton of patience!!
For me I do not think any of the above is done well on our own, I know that it is because I have a relationship with a very loving, supportive, forgiving and ever present God that makes me the person I am: I will never pretend to be the spokesperson for most peoples idea of a highly religious individual but I know full well that I couldn’t have made it through the things I have made it through much less continue to strive to be the person I want to be on my own.
I happen to be a hopeless romantic and I have always long for a “happily every after”. It took me years to realize that I can have “Happily Ever After” but it doesn’t fall in your lap and it most definitely won’t occur in a storybook manor and no 2 couples will have nor should they have the same path to get there!
It took me years to recognize when I was depressed. I was always running on empty, raising the kids, working all the time, going to school and hardly sleeping. As time went on I realized that if I wasn’t taking my medicine I had more days that gave me the constant feeling of impending doom.
After life calmed down I guess I thought I could be depression free. Of course deep down I knew that wasn’t true but I still tried several times to go without medication. I’ve also learned what makes “The Dark Cloud” darker and I’ve tried to keep anything like that at bay. Additionally I have learned what fills up my cup and I desperately try to keep a good balance of those things so that the cloud doesn’t take over.
So, having said all this, it seems as though depression has not acted in a conventional way over the last year. All the things I’ve known to work, to keep that feeling of Doom & Gloom away are failing. I hadn’t been taking my medicine regularly but I have for the last month and I am still waiting for the relief.
Last year, for months on end, I couldn’t get my bearings. I was taking my medicine, staying away from triggers and filling up my cup with very little change in my mood. It seems to have spilled over in to this year. I suppose I could choose to look at it another way! Maybe the feelings of Doom & Gloom, or the inability to get rid of the dark cloud has to do with the fact that my baby just turned 18 and will be going to college in August. Being a mom is all I’ve known for the last 25 years and with everyone leaving I’m not sure where that leaves me.
I would venture to guess that the person that came up with “money doesn’t buy happiness” never had money troubles. It has been my experience that although Happiness isn’t in a bottle for us to run out and buy, being broke makes for a much more miserable existence than not being broke.
Anyone that knows me at all knows that I’m not high maintenance (financially that is). I love to pay my bills, have food in the fridge, buy things for the house and for my family. If/when I don’t have money for these very basic things than I become very anxious and irritable and difficult to contend with.
I grew up with next to nothing and I have been working ever since I was 16. I’ve never been the one to call in to work. First of all my conscience wouldn’t allow it and secondly neither would my bills. After graduating from nursing school in 2005 I’ve had a handful of nursing jobs and I can guarantee that I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve called in. Not only are my residents and coworkers that important to me, so is my paycheck.
I’m always trying to come up with ways to find financial stability! I keep thinking that one day soon I will write a book about my life and it will be a best seller and we will have all the money we need! Of course until then, I’ll continue to huff and puff during the times that funds are low!
They say finances are one of the top problems for couples. I can certainly attest to this. With the kids all over 18 with jobs, the only thing left for Rog and I to argue about is money! When he has plenty of work , with me working full time we do fine. (everyone and everything is Happy Happy) During the times that isn’t the case than everyone should stand clear! That alone proves that money DOES buy happiness!
I have this ever present longing, for what I am not sure, to do something great I guess. The funny thing is that if I come across a situation or cause that I can do nothing about it really bothers me! Whether it be in my personal life, something I see happening at work, or something I have heard about on the news that I feel passionate about. I just feel like I want to help in some way and I just don’t know how.
I am sure this drive is directly related to my becoming a nurse. Unfortunately this has been a good and bad choice. Good because I love to help people and bad because often my hands are tied as a nurse. I spend so much of my time advocating for my residents that I feel exhausted.
Every cause I come across: Nursing Homes, Poverty, Mental Health, Overcrowded Prisons & Mandatory Minimums. I research for hours on end and I’m not quite sure why but I’m sure it’s because I feel I can make a difference somehow. I have done a handful of things to do my little part. I work in a nursing home so I’ve presented several ideas to my supervisors to make things better. I go out of my way to make things bearable for my residents!! As far as the other causes mentioned, I have sent several letters to politicians pleading for change as well as educating myself about the politicians so I can feel good when I go to vote. I joined FAMM: families against mandatory minimums and change.org. Change.org allows you to sign petitions that directly affect people and their causes. Lastly I started this blog in hopes that I will say something or provide information to someone that will be of help and/or make a difference!
Depression is a big part of my life. I’ve been going to counseling for most of my life. I know full well a big part of warding off the negative feelings associated with depression is to take my medicine regularly. So why is it I feel it is OK to go days and even weeks without taking my medicine? I am a nurse so that is just one more reason I should know better but for some reason it doesn’t work like that. At times going to appointments, keeping up with scripts and working through the awful world of health insurance requires more effort than I am willing to put in to anything. After going a month without any medicine and several months without taking anything consistently I finally made it back to the Dr. and went back to taking Wellbutrin. Of course the Dr. office called the script into the wrong pharmacy and it was a holiday weekend so it took FOREVER to get it straightened out but I got it! Yeah me! One small victory! Woo Woo!!
I’ve come to realize that openly working through depression helps in several ways.
1: I have a larger support system
2: I have more people to help hold me accountable (taking my medicine and going to appts)
3: Depression comes with such a terrible stigma and if openly sharing my struggle helps even one person than I am thrilled!
So I am still stuck in the crazy middle of wanting to share my thoughts and wanting to keep them private. Having said that I constantly check the stats on my blog and was so excited to get a little note stating: congrats on 10 likes on: Something about Sunshine. 1. Thank You for the likes and 2. Please someone tell me how they get over/past not wanting to feel the vulnerability that I seem to directly associate with having people read my blog!
I keep thinking that I am going to wake up one day and suddenly I’ll be full of energy and drive. I’ve recently realized that it’s much easier to possess both of those if you are in a situation that forces you to be energetic and driven.
There has to be a way to come about it naturally and/or to get it back without all the stress created when life is hectic and you must have those attributes present just to survive. If not then I need a miracle! I am sooooo tired of being tired! I need some get up and go. I’m sure that if I just write about it that it will happen!
Something tells me that I’m not going to find said energy or drive from a miracle. I will have to put my big girl pants on, suck it up and figure out a way to feel up to all that I want to get done!
So, Roger and got together in 1997 for the first time. In March of 1998 I had Soleil. Around my birthday in December of 1997 I was several months pregnant with Soleil. For my birthday that year Roger took me to a “fancy” restaurant in downtown Decatur. Upon our arrival there was a dozen red roses!! We left there and drove to the “fantasy suites” in Clinton. As we walked in the room I realized there were a dozen roses worth of rose petals strewn over the room. After being there for a bit Roger asked me to sit on the ledge of the hot tub. My version of this memory is that my 20 year old, fat, pregnant, half dressed self sat there as he approached me, got down on one knee and proposed to me!! Of course I said YES!! The next day we went home, real life set in and no real wedding plans formed. I had Soleil and then shortly after that became pregnant with Alexa. After having Alexa I came to a point where I couldn’t put up with our life. Looking back now I realize that the grass was not greener on the other side but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. At any rate Alexa (our youngest) was born in May of 1999 and we split up in January of 2000. The kids and I moved to Springfield in August of 2001. So many events took place but in June of 2013 Alexa had her tonsils removed and some how, Roger and I were in a place in our lives that led us back together thanks to Alexa wanting both her parents after surgery. On June 5th, 2013 the girls and I moved back in with Roger and on 2/25/15 Roger proposed. We eventually set the wedding for: 2/26/2016 and here we are, celebrating our first official wedding anniversary!!
I’ve always had this thought that my mom named me Sunshine because one day I would do something great or grand. Well this year I will be 29 for the 11th year in a row (I’ll let you do the math) and I’ve come to realize that my great or grand isn’t going to involve saving the entire world but possibly just my little part of it. Here are some pics from my little part of the world.