I have this ever present longing, for what I am not sure, to do something great I guess. The funny thing is that if I come across a situation or cause that I can do nothing about it really bothers me! Whether it be in my personal life, something I see happening at work, or something I have heard about on the news that I feel passionate about. I just feel like I want to help in some way and I just don’t know how.
I am sure this drive is directly related to my becoming a nurse. Unfortunately this has been a good and bad choice. Good because I love to help people and bad because often my hands are tied as a nurse. I spend so much of my time advocating for my residents that I feel exhausted.
Every cause I come across: Nursing Homes, Poverty, Mental Health, Overcrowded Prisons & Mandatory Minimums. I research for hours on end and I’m not quite sure why but I’m sure it’s because I feel I can make a difference somehow. I have done a handful of things to do my little part. I work in a nursing home so I’ve presented several ideas to my supervisors to make things better. I go out of my way to make things bearable for my residents!! As far as the other causes mentioned, I have sent several letters to politicians pleading for change as well as educating myself about the politicians so I can feel good when I go to vote. I joined FAMM: families against mandatory minimums and change.org. Change.org allows you to sign petitions that directly affect people and their causes. Lastly I started this blog in hopes that I will say something or provide information to someone that will be of help and/or make a difference!
Depression is a big part of my life. I’ve been going to counseling for most of my life. I know full well a big part of warding off the negative feelings associated with depression is to take my medicine regularly. So why is it I feel it is OK to go days and even weeks without taking my medicine? I am a nurse so that is just one more reason I should know better but for some reason it doesn’t work like that. At times going to appointments, keeping up with scripts and working through the awful world of health insurance requires more effort than I am willing to put in to anything. After going a month without any medicine and several months without taking anything consistently I finally made it back to the Dr. and went back to taking Wellbutrin. Of course the Dr. office called the script into the wrong pharmacy and it was a holiday weekend so it took FOREVER to get it straightened out but I got it! Yeah me! One small victory! Woo Woo!!
I’ve come to realize that openly working through depression helps in several ways.
1: I have a larger support system
2: I have more people to help hold me accountable (taking my medicine and going to appts)
3: Depression comes with such a terrible stigma and if openly sharing my struggle helps even one person than I am thrilled!
So I am still stuck in the crazy middle of wanting to share my thoughts and wanting to keep them private. Having said that I constantly check the stats on my blog and was so excited to get a little note stating: congrats on 10 likes on: Something about Sunshine. 1. Thank You for the likes and 2. Please someone tell me how they get over/past not wanting to feel the vulnerability that I seem to directly associate with having people read my blog!
I keep thinking that I am going to wake up one day and suddenly I’ll be full of energy and drive. I’ve recently realized that it’s much easier to possess both of those if you are in a situation that forces you to be energetic and driven.
There has to be a way to come about it naturally and/or to get it back without all the stress created when life is hectic and you must have those attributes present just to survive. If not then I need a miracle! I am sooooo tired of being tired! I need some get up and go. I’m sure that if I just write about it that it will happen!
Something tells me that I’m not going to find said energy or drive from a miracle. I will have to put my big girl pants on, suck it up and figure out a way to feel up to all that I want to get done!
So, Roger and got together in 1997 for the first time. In March of 1998 I had Soleil. Around my birthday in December of 1997 I was several months pregnant with Soleil. For my birthday that year Roger took me to a “fancy” restaurant in downtown Decatur. Upon our arrival there was a dozen red roses!! We left there and drove to the “fantasy suites” in Clinton. As we walked in the room I realized there were a dozen roses worth of rose petals strewn over the room. After being there for a bit Roger asked me to sit on the ledge of the hot tub. My version of this memory is that my 20 year old, fat, pregnant, half dressed self sat there as he approached me, got down on one knee and proposed to me!! Of course I said YES!! The next day we went home, real life set in and no real wedding plans formed. I had Soleil and then shortly after that became pregnant with Alexa. After having Alexa I came to a point where I couldn’t put up with our life. Looking back now I realize that the grass was not greener on the other side but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. At any rate Alexa (our youngest) was born in May of 1999 and we split up in January of 2000. The kids and I moved to Springfield in August of 2001. So many events took place but in June of 2013 Alexa had her tonsils removed and some how, Roger and I were in a place in our lives that led us back together thanks to Alexa wanting both her parents after surgery. On June 5th, 2013 the girls and I moved back in with Roger and on 2/25/15 Roger proposed. We eventually set the wedding for: 2/26/2016 and here we are, celebrating our first official wedding anniversary!!
I’ve always had this thought that my mom named me Sunshine because one day I would do something great or grand. Well this year I will be 29 for the 11th year in a row (I’ll let you do the math) and I’ve come to realize that my great or grand isn’t going to involve saving the entire world but possibly just my little part of it. Here are some pics from my little part of the world.
It’s funny that we as parents refer to going out as”quality time” or “grown up time”. That ends up being quite opposite of the time spent, especially when liquor is involved!! #love adult time
We have moved so forward in being politically correct that we let our guard down and that’s made us weak. Everyone wants to blur the 2 ideas: politically correct=not racist etc ; strict laws=hate toward immigrants ( not politically correct) the truth is: yes are a country me great by immigrants for years and years but not all the people coming are coming in peace. Period! How is that a discussion? If you know which people to let in your house to stay with your children you would like the ones in you felt safe and make the others stay out the same concept!
I would just like to take the time to thank Eve for all the fabulous perks that come along with being a female. While all of them are quite wonderful: wife (men) children (birth &speaking children) my favorite and what has prompted me to write this post is : Aunt Flow, Mother Nature, that time of the month! This has to be my favorite part of being a female! (sarcasm) Not in any particular order here are the things I love about it. How could it possible be a good idea for a female to be more emotional? I’m all for women are awesome but come on, be for real ladies, we are typically more emotional to begin with and then you wake up Thanksgiving morning crying your eyes out because you realize (in your irrational period brain) that no one loves you enough to make it to Thanksgiving dinner and you have clearly gone wrong in raising the little hellions because there can’t possibly be any other excuse that grown children with their own families wouldn’t / couldn’t make it to one of the umpteen gatherings you have each year! Next up is the cramps, so contractions aren’t punishment enough to our bodies we had to throw in cramps? At times cramps so debilitating you actually collapse into the first available seat at work with tears streaming down your face and everyone is looking at you like: come on, they are just cramps. Or even better, my beloved mini me (Soleil) doesn’t get headaches or cramps…..how the hell does that work?? I mean I know I should be happy for her but some how I just find it unfair!! Last but certainly not least the blood loss. So many things wrong on this front #1 wearing white, at work we can only wear blue or white scrub pants and in the event that Aunt Flow shows up unexpectedly, yeah me! Then there is the amount, how is it humanly possible? Sneezing, coughing, bending over, laughing, running…..all have to be temporarily put on hold. Twice recently I had to make an emergency change of clothes and chairs at work!! If all that isn’t enough torture there is the God awful smell……..I’ll just leave that one alone!
I must say though that I do believe there is a positive! It’s the one time of the month I don’t feel bad about eating anything I want!