Addiction Tuesdays “The Opposite of Addiction is Connection”

As I shared in the original post: Addiction Tuesdays, I go to group counseling every Tuesday as well as single/private counseling. The group is called connections and although we have watched videos on connections and had little assignments based on connections AND my (common sense understanding of connections) I still didn’t quite understand the premise behnd Connections.

Although I consider myself an empathetic person (even the strength finders test says so) I still carry the old school mentallity that you can’t fix anything making excuses. Because of this I had a hard time understanding how all this touchy feely connections business would help every addict through recovery. I wanted to prove the old school thought wrong so I looked up the basis for this Connections school of thought and that is when I found out about :

The Rat Park, a study conducted by Bruce K. Alexander, in an edited synopsis original studies in addiction had (I’m going to call them mice because it’s a much cuter name) mice in individual boxes with regular water and drug infused water, the mice continuously chose the drug infused water but once the study was change to include a “Rat Heaven” where the mice could play freely, make babies and raise families they would completely ignore the drug infused water! So in a nutshell, they realized social mice/people need healthy connections!

Here I thought I had come to some fabulous realization about addiction and revovery! I even went to counseling and enthuisiastically regurgatated what I could remember about the “Rat Park”. Ahead of this appt for the first time I answered a list of questions called “The ACE test”: Adverse Childhood Experiences.

Today I started to do a little more research that said: wait a minute, we can’t just base addiction treatment on happy mice! (of course I was devestated because although rationally I knew it sounded to simple, I still wanted to believe it) The updated research went on to say that 60% of Americans have at least 1 adverse childhood experience and 25% have experienced at least 3. People with an ACE score of 5 or higher are up to ten times more likely to experience addiction. Of course my score was 8. Typically I would slide a joke in right here but I’ll behave!

So really this all tells me what I already know

I have to process my childhood trauma to really move forward…..blah blah blah

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OMG, YOU ARE A NURSE!?

Being a nurse is a huge responsibility! Like many other occupations when people find out that you are a nurse they want to ask healthcare questions. Of course healthcare is so super personal, after all it is a life that were talking about! So this means that 1 single human being, in an 8 hour shift, has (literally) 15-50 (depending on the shift and nursing home) other human beings lives in their hands! I was always so envious of the super organized and focused nurses who seem to have super human abilities to complete their work. Having said that, I knew how to nurse like that but something inside me prohibited me from doing so. I’d like to say it is my big heart or my conscience but either way there is no room in a nursing home for a nurse such as myself! I’m not being caddy, that is just a fact. Let me just give you a quick story from my first week of nursing that will explain the difference between these “Super Nurses” and me.

My first week as a nurse in LTC I worked on an alzheimers unit. It was a locked floor with 40 residents for 1 nurse and 3-4 CNAs. I was working dayshift, a nurse was orientating me and we were doing morning med pass together in a common area. He was walking up to the residents and administering medications efficiently, like 5 residents to each of my 1. He finally stopped, looked over at me and said: What are you doing? Of course he must have read the confusion on my face because he went on to repeat my greeting to each resident in what I suppose was my voice “Good Morning Mr. Smith, How are you?” “I have your medicine for you” still I looked at him with a look of what could I possibly be doing wrong, He is explained to me: “There is no time to be making friends with each of them, you will never get done”. He was not being malicious he was just being honest!

I just came across an article that accurately describes LTC in the nicer nursing homes!

The Truth About Nursing Homes: David Macaray; counterpunch.org

David Macaray is a playwright and author. His newest book is : How to Win Friends and Avoid Sacred Cows

I’ve come to realize lately that letting go of nursing is only a problem for me the way the thought of seeing your ex with someone else keeps you in a unhealthy relationship! The state surveyors know they are unrealistic yet nothing/no one changes anything. The administrative staff…well I’ll leave that alone. I love and respect about 95% of the nurses and CNAs I worked with! I feel that is saying a lot considering….

So, APPARENTLY Erikson was correct with his theories that missing out on things as a child will have long term consequences! Meaning: I can’t deal with the feeling of having my hands tied. That my friends is what nursing is all about! Your license is in everyone else’s hands and the things that you think you should be able to do for your resident’s just isn’t so! Well, I can’t speak for all of nursing, I’m really speaking of LTC. I’ve said this many times before but nursing homes (I’ve worked in 6 nursing homes in 2 different cities and there was one thing they all had in common: Never enough time to give everyone individualized attention!

Sooo, where does this leave me? Well, I’ll tell you where…..unemployed! Don’t get me wrong, being done with nursing wasn’t all my idea but I do feel like it’s for the best…..I just don’t know….my identity I guess….I’m no longer a nurse I guess (after 12+ years) Do I still want to be in healthcare? I’m working on a bachelors in Organizational Leadership but I won’t graduate for another 2 years…….

Social Anxiety



I haven’t worked outside of the house since May. This has been/should be a good thing. The only problem is….now that it’s time for me to go back to work, I’m a nervous wreck! I’ve had one interview and I was slightly shaking and my voice was quivering. I can’t stand up in front of a group of people but I’ve always been good at interviews!

Last night I was suppose to have my first day/eve of class this semester. The class “College Athletes in America”, seemed great! I love sports, especially football. I was so excited, until I got outside of the classroom! Looking in the door I realize that there are only guys in the classroom! I just panicked and left!

I emailed the guidance counselor and going in tomorrow to figure it all out but I don’t get it. I LOVE school and learning so I don’t know if overall I’m more anxious or if it is just that it was a room full of guys!?

2/3/19 Well I had to email the instructor of the class on Thursday and have to meet with him on 2/4/19 to see if “we can figure something out”. Sounds like no reason to be anxious, ha ha ha, OMG just realized I am double booked for tomorrow……seriously me? I never have more than one thing to do in a day lately and now tomorrow I have 2 appts scheduled at the time…..

CRIMINAL “injustice”System

Every time I turn around there is something I am trying to dig myself out of because I don’t have money! Of course this is most true with any and every legal issue ever. If you are poor you can’t afford an attorney, if you don’t have an attorney then they treat you less than NO MATTER WHAT. It’s so blatantly obvious, if you go to court with an attorney, you don’t have to wait for your turn and no one talks down to you! Additionally if you have an attorney you don’t have to take some plea deal that financially benefits the county and gives you no chance of ever climbing out of the trouble.

I mostly speak of this in regards to my oldest son who was talked into pleading guilty to possession of a stolen vehicle when he and his cousin drove around in their bosses truck. The boss didn’t want to press charges at all but good ol’ Dewitt County Illinois had nothing better to do than pick up the case anyway.

6 years later the same county forced my son to plead guilty to: attempted aggravated robbery. What I love about this is that a couple of scrappy kids were discussing the thought around my son, one of which was under 18 and happen to be the one that tried to carry out this “plan”. Well the kid had parents who could afford a good attorney. So the kid testified that my son threatened him, forcing him to do it. Although I love all my children very much, I am also realistic. I know that my son has done things to get himself in trouble. HOWEVER, IT HAS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING VIOLENT! As a matter of fact, I have heard other mothers speak of having kids that get in trouble and how the kid is disrespectful toward them, even cussing them and putting their hands on them. This was also NEVER the case with my son. He has always been a “Momma’s boy”! He said a cuss word once when he was really little and I chased him through the house instilling the fear of God and the wrath of a mother! He NEVER did it again!

This is an excerpt from a case where the young lady had let someone stay at her apt and he left 25g of marijuana (equal to 25 sugar packets). The cops showed up on a tip and arrested her because it was in her apartment.

This is the age of the plea bargain. Most people adjudicated in the criminal-justice system today waive the right to a trial and the host of protections that go along with one, including the right to appeal. Instead, they plead guilty. The vast majority of felony convictions are now the result of plea bargains—some 94 percent at the state level, and some 97 percent at the federal level. Estimates for misdemeanor convictions run even higher. These are astonishing statistics, and they reveal a stark new truth about the American criminal-justice system: Very few cases go to trial. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy acknowledged this reality in 2012, writing for the majority in Missouri v. Frye, a case that helped establish the right to competent counsel for defendants who are offered a plea bargain. Quoting a law-review article, Kennedy wrote, “ ‘Horse trading [between prosecutor and defense counsel] determines who goes to jail and for how long. That is what plea bargaining is. It is not some adjunct to the criminal justice system; it is the criminal justice system.’ ”

This is the best idea I’ve come across lately!https://reformalliance.com/

Van Jones

@VanJones68



1. #FirstStepAct passed in December 2018. 2. @REFORM launched in January 2018, with @MeekMill, Jay-Z & others. #REFORM 3. ????? We all know good things come in “threes.” Stay tuned … #CriminalJusticeReform #ThirdBreakthrough #ComingSoon

I’ve known for years that not having money made for increased legal issues: traffic tickets, car insurance especially but since 2012 it has been painfully obvious!

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Illinois Nursing Board

This is my response to the nursing board and their “recommendations”

Sunshine Fegett1:13 PM (3 minutes ago)
to Beth

For some reason I did not realize that I only had 14 days to respond to this email. I also can’t understand why the email came 3 months after the conference call. I haven’t worked as a nurse in 8 months. There is no food in my fridge, my checking account is overdrawn $600 and my mortgage payment is 2 months behind! I am floored that the stipulations are so stringent! They aren’t even reasonable. I don’t have hundreds of dollars to spend on special extra evaluations and testing. I’ve been doing everything I am suppose to, seeing an addiction specialist, going to counseling, single and group every week and monthly drug testing. There are so many nurses in the program! How are these archaic rules helping the healthcare profession or the public! Is the Illinois Nursing Board not aware that addiction is a disease or that there is an opiate epidemic occurring nation wide? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to assist healthcare professionals in avoiding situations that make their lives worse such as spending $2000 on an attorney in addition to court fines and monthly supervision fees!?!? All this in addition to taking away their only means to making a living? No one gave any thought to the 12 years I worked in LTC and did a good job. No one spoke with the residents and family members at Imboden Creek that are still asking about me daily!! No one has paid attention to the fact that I gave my everything to my residents, working extra shifts and hours, NEVER calling in sick as to not leave the facility short or my coworkers short. No one stops to think about the REAL issues in LTC: 1 nurse administering medication twice in 8 hours to 29-50 residents or 1 CNA unable to give individualized attention to residents that worked their entire lives just to be stuck in a tiny room with a person they don’t know and having to beg to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water!!!! Resident’s climbing out of bed because they just can’t wait another minute to go to the bathroom, trip, fall and fracturing a hip! I am currently attending Millikin University to obtain a bachelors in Organizational Leadership. It is my plan, hope, prayer that this will enable me to make a difference in the lives of the aging population because as a nurse (at least an LPN in LTC) your hands are tied by the rule makers who the majority have no idea what real life is like working in a nursing home! I mean no disrespect whatsoever and I’m sure my license will be suspended indefinitely since my response is a week late but I could not agree to the terms either way.                                                                                                                     Thank You, Sunshine Fegett

Perpetual Poverty

Perpetual poverty is a person or family not being able to leave a life of poverty no matter what they do.Mar 11, 2018

The thing I despise the most is feeling as though my hands are tied! Among the many things that make me feel this way, poverty rates at the very top! I grew up very poor. Like no food in the fridge, no clean clothes, power shut off many times, walking to get free food, can’t ever have friends at your house kind of poor!

The cycle of poverty begins when a child is born into a poor family. … On paper, thecycle of poverty has been defined as a phenomenon where poor families become impoverished for at least three generations.Feb 10, 2018

In May I lost my job, mostly through my own doing but I really think it was for the best. My heart just couldn’t handle working in long term care anymore. I immediately filed for unemployment thinking I would just take care of my mom through DORS and collect unemployment for the remainder of the year while attending school. Everything was going along great until November when my unemployment ran out. I guess I didn’t realize that was even possible!! In addition to this, the GM @ our local Menards decided that he wasn’t going to let us get work through their flooring department for our family business! So right before the holidays with all plans in place to have everyone here over the holidays , tickets already bought to see the Cowboys for my birthday in Indiana, a trip already planned to the Dells for my husbands birthday, we realized we had very little income potential.

Typically speaking this would be the moment when my mind would kick into overdrive and I would get in gear! Not this time though. This time depression has continued to prevail. Depression and poverty seem to have such a strong bond with one another. I’m depressed because I am broke, I continue to be broke because I’m depressed. I’ve never been one to feel sorry for myself or to blame others for my problems BUT factually/statistically adults that grew up in poverty and/or endured childhood abuse have a much more difficult time. It is so very sad that the odds are stacked against those born into poverty. It makes no sense to me that : America, the land of the free, where if you work hard enough you too can achieve the “American Dream” actually makes it nearly impossible to achieve such if you are born into poverty.

This Here Blog

I started this here blog of mine for many reasons, most of which I’ve stated several times and many are the same as others who start blogs. Unfortunately there are days when this here blog of mine causes me all sorts of inner turmoil. My mind is constantly racing: Write, don’t write, Write about how I feel, Write about what I think, Write my life story, Write about me, Write about others, Write completely open and honest (this is the 2nd hardest struggle) Write and post with reckless abandon with all the world to see ALL of your vulnerabilities!?!? (So this may sound dramatic to some but it weighs on my mind and heart daily!) The thought of sharing the most intimate details of my life with those who “know me” but don’t “know me” like that!

Like many other people I made a New Year’s Resolution I have already broken. My resolution was to share This Here Blog openly instead of hiding it away. My ultimate goal and the 1 thing that fills my cup the most is always helping others. Unlike the very brave folks I’ve seen on here and T.V., fearlessly telling their truths to help others, I just CAN’T bring myself to share This Here Blog!

I genuinely feel if I could just get EVERYTHING out I would be taking away it’s power and this would be a huge step toward feeling better. The problem is: I have to get out of this bottomless pit that I seem to have fallen into before I can get anything done.

For the life of me I can’t get out of this terrible rut I am in! It’s like I have to wait until the very last minute to get off of my @ss to get anything done! It’s this big huge BLAH feeling all the time! Everyday I think I am going to get up and be productive, HA!! They switched my medicine so maybe that is part of the problem. Plus being broke during the holidays! I’m not working and I don’t even know where to start with that. I’ve worked as a nurse since 2005 and I have absolutely no desire to continue working as an LPN because in Central Illinois LPN’s aren’t taking seriously. The place to most likely work as an LPN in Central Illinois is a nursing home and I most definitely don’t want to do that anymore!

The more I sit at home, not working outside of taking care of my mom, the more I don’t want to do a thing outside of my home. Usually something will happen that will propel me into action, that has not been the case since Thanksgiving.

See what I’ve posted to Google Maps

These emails are the funniest thing to me! I’m always trying to leave review’s good or bad when I think of it. Additionally everytime I’m out and about for virtually any reason ever, I’m taking pictures and sending them to someone for some reason. Anyway if you do the Google reviews it will use the pictures of I choose. So, either Google really likes to encourage sharing pictures (most likely) or I take damn helpful pictures when I’m out and about….. Of course. this is the correct answer

See what I’ve posted to Google Maps
Level 6 Local Guide
https://goo.gl/maps/oSiu69cVesk

The Book of Sunshine: Chapter 1

Date: December of 1976-1981

Age : infant-5years

Husband: J.D.

In the 70’s there was a movie titled: Sunshine . I can’t really tell you why but this is where my mom says she got my name. As with the first few years of my life and what led up to it, I never asked my mom about the origin of my name until after 2001, after I turned 25, after my mom had a major stroke and really couldn’t tell me much.

This movie was a “made for T.V.” special and it’s soundtrack consisted of 7 songs by John Denver, one of which was “Sunshine on my Shoulders’ for which the film is named: IMDb

There’s a menagerie of memories I have up until 5 years old. They are kind of thrown together and all mushed up. My most vivid memories are from 2 different apartments in the same apartment house.

The 2nd floor apartment consisted of a living room to the right when you walked in, a small bathroom just to your left, the kitchen straight ahead and then the only bedroom was to the left of the kitchen. In the upstairs apartment we had a female German Shepard name: Lady and when I was around 3 she jumped up on the roll away bed with me during an argument and her paw got my cheek leaving a scar on my cheek right below my left eye.I also remember a picture of me or maybe it was just my favorite dress pictured in my head hanging on the door frame leading into the living room from the hallway. Either way I remember my favorite pink dress, the one I wore in the pics that actually hung at the neighborhood bar: Julies Tavern, in Decatur, Il , right down the road from where I grew up! I never have come across these pictures as an adult but I remain hopeful!

In the downstairs apartment I have several memories mostly good! My mom would always take me to the public library to rent Little Golden Books & Dr Seuss! I loved reading and being read to and the fun poetry world of Who-ville would leave an everlasting impression (positive impression) on my life! Additionally there was an incident in which I washed my hair with Nair (a bottle of cream rinse used to remove bodily hair which unfortunately included the hair on your head) and to “teach me a lesson, or whatever, my mom cut all of my hair short”. Also we grew up in a time when kids in Africa were starving so it was our duty as a member of The U.S. to eat every thing on our plate no matter what! This particular night it consisted of a bowl of chilli that I did not want to eat for whatever reason so I added A LOT of salt to make it better! Of course it actually made it worse but I had to eat it anyway because we did not WASTE food back then!!!! Lastly, the memory I tell no one about: My stepfather was an alcoholic and he believed in whippens! If you did wrong then you got a spanking with this red and white belt! Well I clearly did something wrong that warranted a whippen with THE BELT!!!! After getting the spanking, I rolled around on the bed in a “convulsive fit” and rolled off the bed and broke my left jaw on the “end table” that sat next to the bed. Who knows what the Dr was told but ultimately the dentist wired my jaw shut to allow the break to heal which meant I had to eat baby food in preschool…..it didn’t last….I pulled the wires out and the dentist gave up.
I honestly don’t remember how soon after this incident my mom and I moved out but I do believe anything longer than immediately would not have occurred if the roles were reversed!

The Piggy Parent Chronicles: Xmas

OMG!! No one told me that you can’t mix pet pigs with a Xmas tree. I know it stands to reason but with EVERYTHING else on my mind it hadn’t dawned on me just how difficult it was going to be!

They look so sweet……but….

I finally get up the energy to put up my tree today (yes I know it is only a week till Xmas) and I realize that if you have 8 ‘ ceilings and a 6.5’ tree you can only lift the tree off the floor 1.5’…..well you see that wouldn’t work!

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