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So it hasn’t been the best week. I mean
I’ve been sooo tired once again! Since deciding that I have anxiety which I’ve always thought of as stress they decided “hey lets put her on a new med so she can feel like shit for 4-6 MORE weeks in a hopes that we are right and the medicine WILL work!  I keep hoping the day will come and they will say: “she has chronic fatigue and we will give her a magical pill (since there is one for everything) and she will have all the energy in the world! So I am convinced this may partially be the brain of an addict but we have all this being prescribed for various reasons but I’m confused on who decides which ones are controlled due to their ability to alter your state of mind? Don’t they all alter your state of mind? The point of pain medication is to tell your brain your not in pain, antidepressant to tell you that you aren’t depressed, anti-anxiety to tell your mind you aren’t anxious? While I’m on the topic, isn’t that the reason weed isn’t legal everywhere? Because it has the ability to alter your state of mind? Top 10 prescribed medications:
  • Vicodin, Norco, Xodol (hydrocodoneacetaminophen) Drug class: Opioid/acetaminophen combinations. …
  • SynthroidLevoxylUnithroid (levothyroxine) Drug class: Thyroxines. …
  • Delasone, Sterapred (prednisone) …
  • Amoxil (amoxicillin) …
  • Neurontin (gabapentin) …
  • PrinivilZestril (lisinopril) …
  • Lipitor (atorvastatin) …
  • Glucophage (metformin)
Top reasons for prescribing marijuana:
  • Cancer.
  • Glaucoma.
  • HIV/AIDS.
  • Hepatitis C.
  • Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
  • Crohn’s disease.
  • Alzheimer’s disease.
  • A chronic or debilitating condition or its treatment that produces one or more of the following: Cachexia (wasting syndrome)
Medical cannabis
  Top 10 reasons people smoke weed: 1. Marijuana as medicine. 2. For the effect of THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol), the main active chemical in marijuana. 3. To relieve the stress, anxiety, fear, pain or anger related to personal, psychological or family issues. 4. Popular culture endorses marijuana use. 5. Low perception of harm. 6. The opportunity to try marijuana presents itself. 7. Peer, family or role model influence. 8. People use marijuana because they were born with or develop certain personality dimensions, such as unconventionality, which make marijuana use non-taboo. 9. Curiosity. 10. To relax.
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Anxiety/Depression/Baggage (it’s all related)

anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/wp-1539450923462..jpg
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
“he felt a surge of anxiety”
synonyms: worryconcernapprehension, apprehensiveness, uneasinessunease, fearfulness, feardisquietdisquietudeinquietudeperturbationagitationangstmisgivingnervousness, nerves, tension, tenseness; More

 Depression:
1: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
“self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”
2: a long and severe recession in an economy or market.
“the depression in the housing market

Baggage:

past experiences or long-held ideas regarded as burdens and impediments.
“the emotional baggage I’m hauling around”
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It wasn’t until the last couple of weeks that I realized anxiety was the voice I kept hearing in my head telling me “you can’t do this” “you don’t have time for that” “remember, that is too hard to do” “you aren’t smart enough to accomplish________” I kept identifying the feelings as stress! This is a link I found for screening tools that can help you sort through various mental health issues:
Growing up I thought that people could just look at me and see right through me. I was sure that people could tell that I was growing up with a shit home life, poor, parenting myself, abuse etc. It took me years of adulting to know that wasn’t the case.

I’ve been going to counseling since I was 9 years old! Well off and on anyway. Any counseling before I was 20 was mainly court ordered due to being in foster care and/or related to resolving issues of abuse which looking back never was successful.

1_IN_10perpetratorsrisk_factors_3SIGNS

If you or someone you know has been abused:

GET HELP NOW

CALL 866.FOR.LIGHT OR TEXT LIGHT TO 741741

You are not alone – resources and support are available. Call to have questions answered or chat with a trained crisis counselor, 24/7 at no charge. All conversations are confidential.

 

Researchers estimate that 38% of child victims disclose the fact that they have been sexually
abused.5,6 Of these, 40% tell a close friend, rather than an adult or authority.7 These “friend-to-friend”
disclosures do not always result in reports. This means that the vast majority of child sexual abuse
incidents are never reported to authorities, though research suggests that disclosure rates to authorities
may be increasing.

Finkelhor, D., Ormrod, R., Turner, H. A., & Hamby, S. L. (2012). Child and youth victimization known to school, police,
and medical officials in a national sample of children and youth. Juvenile Justice Bulletin, (No. NCJ 235394). Washington,
DC: United States Department of Justice, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.

I’ve always avoided discussing the abuse I endured growing up. I stuffed it down deep for years and spent my time perpetuating chaos subconsciously avoiding my childhood. I did have counselors that would elude to the fact that I wasn’t covering the root of all my problems but I was hell bent on putting out fires because that required less effort.

Finally I moved back to Decatur in 2013 and life started to be less chaotic and as a result I had more time for self reflection. wp-15322971963037355743889565155872.png

In 2015 I found an amazing counselor who let me avoid the topic of abuse for awhile but then started pressing me. That eventually led me to finding a counselor at Growing Strong Sexual Assault Center but not until 2017 and I only went a few times AND I verbalized what I had endured ONCE and thought I was cured and didn’t go back.

This situation is actually intertwined with another that I’ve been going through this year. I would not say at all that my childhood was actually the cause of my opiate addiction but after finally openly discussing some things with the counselor I am seeing now I can see a correlation.

People who misuse opioids often report extensive histories of childhood maltreatment, which include emotional and physical abuse, emotional and physical neglect, and sexual abuse……Authors:News Author: Batya Swift Yasgur, MA, LSW; CME Author: Laurie Barclay, MD

Of course it started with a prescription here and there over the years (2007-2015) and then it occurred to me that if I took pain medicine then I could work more. The pain in my feet, carpel tunnel and back would be relieved which curbed the fatigue and enabling me to work more hours. After the scripts ran out then I found opiates on my own and of course justified it all with the above reasoning.  This ties into the childhood issues because being sexually abused over many years by several men made me feel like damaged goods. If I could work more than I would be indispensable regardless of being damaged goods! If I could have identified these issues earlier in life it would have saved me a lot of heartache!

I started this blog for 2 reasons:

1: I was sure that writing this blog would be therapeutic

2: I wanted to help others

Point being, if there is anything that I would stress to anyone, DON”T WAIT! Don’t wait to take care of yourself!wp-15322981882021055409800515570857.png

I think it is safe to say that we all want some of the same things in life and just as I thought when looking it up the #1 thing was:

Happiness
Biggest Challenge:  “Not knowing what I want to do.”
Happiness is a choice folks.  It just is, plain and simple.  Every single day you get to decide if you are going to be happy or not.  I think the main reason most people are unhappy is because they are looking for something outside of themselves to “make them happy.”  Guess what, the new car, house, outfit, boyfriend, or girlfriend is not the answer.  The only person or thing that will bring you happiness is YOU…….Kathy Caprino  The Top 10 Things People Want In Life But Can’t Seem To Get.  

You can’t be happy if your anxious or depressed and the only way to beat anxiety and depression ongoing is to get rid of your baggage! The sooner you get rid of it the better! You can’t just ignore it, shove it down, alter your mind to avoid it….you have to take it step by step. You have to actually put in the sometimes long, tiring, frustrating, no immediate gratification work to boldly acknowledge your baggage (each piece individually) take it out, unfold it, see where it came from, why it is keeping you down and after you’ve gone through each one (like steps in the grieving process) you can then and only then fold it back up, put it in the bag and let it go!

Zachuery aka Zachariah aka Pooky Wooky

October 19, 1994 (2 weeks after my due date, 1 day after a failed attempt at inducing labor and 4-6 hours after the Dr assisted my water breaking) came my 2nd bouncing baby boy!

The next day we took him home and unlike his older brother he started sleeping 4+ hours at night within the first couple of weeks. He was such a calm baby (especially in contrast to his brother) that I called the pediatrician concerned something was wrong! After a handful of questions the pediatrician assured me that Zach was just fine and just a good sleeping baby!

I’ve mentioned this in a past post but I like to remind my kids that they are so smart and healthy because I breast fed all of them and Zachuery for the longest. I’m sure there is a direct correlation to his good health and generally good decision making!

As the boys were growing up we always told them Zach would be president and his older brother Sean would be his bodyguard. That’s not quite how things have turned out but it gives you a feel for their personalities.

Zach did great in school and starting in 5th grade (due to his distain for daycare) he started watching his little sisters before and after school. He was always so responsible and fairly meticulous. We realized at one point that he had been folding his dirty clothes and when we would eat out everyone would be done eating but Zach would just be done cutting his food into perfectly even pieces!!

A review of over 200 birth order studies found that middles are characterized as sociable, more faithful in monogamous relationships, and have the fewest “acting out” problems…..

However, if events would have been different then I would not have spent this summer with the newest born love of my life…..Zachs’ daughter : Rima

Unfortunately in September Rimas’ mother came and took her to Texas and will not allow us to see her or talk to her. Zach and her mother were never married so at this point he has no legal rights. However, I have quickly become a legal self help guru as a result and I have begun filing the necessary paperwork to get into court and establish paternity and custody/visitation. We do not have lots of money for an attorney but we are going Monday for a free consultation! In the meanwhile we are keeping busy using our missing her as motivation to work hard on getting her back in our lives!!

OMG, where to start

For some reason I’ve forever obsessed with the thought of normalcy. It is a constant measure in what I do. Having said that I often delight, no relish the idea of doing things that I perceive are not normal. In an effort to convey these thoughts that I have I thought I would start out with the definition of normal! Well guess what? There are so many definitions given : normal as a noun, technical normal, legal normal ( I was once told that it is considered normal if more than 50% of people do it) my favorite is social norms, I just couldn’t wrap my head around it because it just said that normal isn’t really possible because what is considered normal is always changing depending on time frame and location.

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So now we have established together (or maybe you already knew) there really isn’t any such thing as normal! I’m always in great shock when I find someone other than my family that agrees with me! So I’m thinking there is just a bunch of groups of people that have similarly crazy thoughts running around in their head and the most similar just gravitate toward each other. (and that, ladies and gentlemen is my man theory)

On any given day (Google has no consensus) we have bet ween 50,000 & 70,000 thoughts!! I’m sure mine is double that but in addition to all these thoughts you have to add in ideas

“Difference Between Idea and Thought. … Idea refers to a plan or a process that occurs in the mind in relation to the completion of a work or duty. Thought on the other hand is a mental process that keeps on going in the mind unabated. This is the main difference between the two words idea and thought” -Scribd

I am full of ideas, plans, and lists all day (especially in the shower , solution: whiteboard in the shower!) in my head but I rarely write them down! So I am constantly driving myself crazy trying to remember them. At any rate I have discovered the real issue for me is action!

“As important as creativity and idea creation are, they require action before any idea will have real value.”-innovationsolutions

So I’m on a quest to figure out how I can get my ideas past the idea phase

Categories: fb

To write or Not To write

I’ve read several posts about having posts in backup for when you can’t/ don’t write. The only issue I really have with that is that it doesn’t feel like I write as genuinely when it isn’t in the moment. I can’t remember the last time I felt like writing. I go to enough counseling sessions these days that I should have plenty to write about. I’ve learned so much about myself  recently but it all revolves around 2 things that I can’t discuss (an ongoing issue I’ve hit on and abuse I endured as a child)……..where do people get the strength to tell their stories? Like really,  I am so exhausted each and everyday I feel like doing NOTHING!! Certainly not discussing my shit childhood! wp-1534960308688239657689092335712.png

I have a long list of things I’d LOVE to write about:

  • Poverty
  • Prison Reform
  • Recent GOD encounters
  • My Potbelly Pig
  • My 1st middle son
  • More nursing home honesty
  • Childhood abuse

The Great Fight: 9/27/18 (Me vs. my most recent demons) All of these are actually related and it is strange to me that it took until I was 31+10 years old to figure it out.

I would also like to write about the following positive subjects:

Sports: Dallas Cowboys, Serena Williams, Tiger Woods

Movies

Books

Music

Those 4 items are the things I use to get my cheap thrills. I intentionally seek out anything and everything (#1 should be FOOD) that will fill up my love cup and take my mind off this awful and hideous fight that I can’t tell anyone about openly and honestly until after Thursday Morning!! wp-15353855252858176264681302685078.png

I did just remember however that I do have a few very delightful events I want to share!!!!

1: My daughter text me a week ago to tell me that she knew about inexpensive Taylor Swift tickets (typically I would say I am a part time/ closet fan) so some how we were able to put things together quick enough that we got to go! I have to admit I really enjoyed her music and the show she put on!

 

2: Thursday I visited a little town close to us: Arthur, Illinois. They have wonderful little Amish shops. Where I had a delightful time! Just leisurely walking around and enjoying the old shops. In particular I found a little store that had it’s own little library/books for sale area and fell in love!

The most important items I found and purchased are the entire reason I have loved pigs my whole life and have collected pig everything and led me to having Edgar, the Super Bestest Pig Ever! 20180920_151132

3: I have been a Football/ Dallas Cowboy fan since 1993. I have been to see them once a few years ago in St. Louis before the Rams abandoned the area and they won and it was the best thing since sliced cheese other than all the other things that I said were!! Anyway, during a series of very FORTUNATE events I was able to buy 2 tickets with the BEST view of any event, to see the Cowboys play against the colts on December, 16th of this year which so happens to be my birthday!!20180919_131631screenshot_20180919-153634_bixby-home-e1537751267249.jpg

Nursing in a nursing home 2

This first picture (I’ve used elsewhere on here) is me , my Mom and Melissa. This 2nd picture is since my mom had a stroke. In 2002 she had a stroke, spent 6 weeks in the hospital and then 6 weeks in a rehab to home program in a nursing home. I thank God that this was before I was a nurse! I genuinely think I was clueless about nursing homes at the time. In 2015 my husband had a diving accident and spent 3 weeks in Carle clinic a ‘trauma center/hospital”. I noticed E V E R Y T H I N G the staff did whether it was right or wrong and I acted a fool several times when they did something I didn’t like.

So imagine that feeling for your loved one!alexaanddad

Better yet imagine a nurse (and their are many) that take their job personally, to heart, wearing their heart on their sleeve! It is emotionally draining to be a nurse no matter what! Then to add 30+ human beings to it and 2 med passes in 8 hours and then threats if you work over, threats if you don’t, threats on your license you caused and didn’t.  30 human beings with a past, with a heart and a mind and a family that sees them how they were and wants you so badly to see that person the way they do so that you never forget that YOU are the person they are counting on to take care of their Mom who raised them fearlessly, or their Dad that never let them down and they don’t want to let him down.  Being a “nurse in a nursing home” whether you are a CNA, LPN, RN (Rob Good you are my super hero) is no easy task and it is so very hard to be present in their everyday life and then go home and pretend like nursing homes are equipped to take care of someone’s loved one in a way that will ease your mind enough that you can go to bed and sleep without a heavy heart!!!!

They say nursing is one of or the most trusted profession, well let me say a couple of things about that! 1: I know how to do nursing by the book and anyone that tells you that nursing home nursing can be done by the book is a big fat liar! You can’t take care of 30 resident’s in a way that follows what “the state” claims they expect and what the very same people know is the reality!! 2: The thing I heard most or the compliment I held nearest to my heart as a nurse is/was: “Sunshine it is obvious how much you genuinely care for your people” I  believe that more often than not nurses want to do a good job for their patients/residents and many nurses have varying ideas on what that is!

Every nurse has their thing they are good at, something they aren’t good at, something they stay away from at all cost (I am terrible with phlegm) and of course it can never be at all cost because nurses take care of business. That is our job under any and every circumstance!

What does it mean to be a “good nurse”?

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Kati Kleber, RN
Kati Kleber, RN

 

“There is something about a good nurse. Having a nursing license and job doesn’t make you a good nurse. Working for 30 years doesn’t make you a good nurse. It’s not about being a good IV starter or being best friends with all of the physicians.

It’s so much less defined and measurable than that. It isn’t measured in letters after your name, certifications, professional affiliations or by climbing the clinical ladder.

It’s something you feel when you see a good nurse care for their patients. It’s that security you see in their patient’s eyes when they come in to care for them. It’s that nurse whose patient’s family member will finally go home to sleep and shower because they know their loved one is cared for with that nurse.

Dirty Dancing aka ask anyone that has ever known me what my fav movie is!

I was 11 years old when this movie came out! For a preteen this confirmed that no matter where 2 people come from, they can overcome the odds, fall in love and make the sexiest scene (mostly clothes) that my young eyes had ever seen!

The summer after 8th grade I literally watched this movie on VHS  every single day! (people still know what that is right?}

At 14 I just knew that one day I would be sitting somewhere and my “knight in shining armor” would swoop in and grab me:

“No one puts baby in the corner”

I bought this movie on Vudu last night because as you know I’ve been with my granddaughter all day everyday since the 23rd and she is best behaved when music is playing. img_20180819_2041331500980552550626783.jpg

While watching I realized why I loved the movie to begin with: The entire movie is about beating the odds. Ok, it does help that there is music, dancing, sexy people in sexy scenes and that my brain still ties this movie to all the happiness (cheap thrills) that the movie always gave me. It was right on the line of appropriateness for a 11-14 year old girl in the 80s. Not that I actually had those kind of rules but in my head I thought I was getting away with something watching this movie!

While in the shower (where I do my best thinking/remembering this song/ scene came to mind!! Love Love Love it:

How do you call your loverboy? Oh loverboy, my sweet loverboy and if he doesn’t answer? Oh baby, my sweet  baby…..

Sadly Jennifer Grey didn’t get to do much after this and Patrick Swayze passed away in 2009 but I genuinely appreciate the part this movie played in my growing up! For some reason, in spite all the negativity I grew up with this movie gave me a place to go, a place where people prevailed!

Of course you can’t be a Dirty Dancing fan without “I’ve had the time of my life”

 

Categories: fb

The grocery store/Walmart

I have a love-hate relationship with going to get groceries or to Walmart. I certainly feel like I fall under the category of someone who doesn’t love to go places if I don’t have to. Other times I think social interaction makes you no keeps you kind of sane because you realize everybody has to go to the store okay well not Eminem but, like the rest of us.

So there’s like men shopping and they are get in and get out, typically speaking, accept for the middle son who takes an entire half hour at Denny’s to cut up his pancakes.

And there are the women who are either trying to hurry because they have Screaming Meanies with them or women just always in a rush. Then there is everyone else who stops like I do at every item to weigh its importance in my life

and it really brings a smile to my face when I see someone else shopping in that manner.

Of all nights tonight there is no self-checkout lanes open so yay me after not leaving the house in a week my first trip out and I have to interact with human beings lol I told the young lady at the register I had drove and did math correctly tonight so I was very proud of myself I’m sure she thought I was crazy but she did laugh. To add to the magic of my Excursion the local radio station is playing Sunday night Slow Jams. It should certainly be called Sunday night baby making music!

Days like this

 

wp-15353072867981784191584359699017.pngEvery once in awhile I actually slow down long enough to enjoy life. It feels so strange, like doing something your not suppose to be doing ie: sitting around all day watching football/ bachelor in paradise and your favorite music videos of all time. I feel like that last sentence just told my age…..I did own….well my mom owned an 8 track version of the pop song: Little Red Riding Hood by, OMG, I just looked up the artist: Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs. Like really…80s….you couldn’t come up with anything better….maybe shorter. Well anyway, moving on…….I feel as though maybe I shouldn’t write during these times because it will either ramble on, get off track several times……or worse yet, just make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Actually I like that idea! My goal will be for this post to make no sense whatsoever!

wp-15353072248564090604442485858113.pngSo, last night I was babysitting my beautiful Granddaughtermvimg_20180725_133016-animation

She just so happens to love music which works great for me! She really gets excited over every genre that I play from the 70s through today but she really seems to love the 70s & 80s! I think she appreciates (I’m having a very hard time articulating right now) the grandness? the bigness? the loudness? Hell, I don’t know, all I know is that she is clearly from my DNA!! She loves:Queen, Aerosmith, Pointer Sisters, Ciara, Nikki Minaj, EMINEM….that was the most important test! At any rate she took a late nap last night so she was raring to go, singing and dancing to music with me and then running off to wreak havoc on the house, the pig, the cat and my Mom! Nonetheless we had a great time!

So, if anyone is keeping up I’d like to give myself props: A week ago Wednesday I stopped taking some “unnecessary” medication. Luckily I was already sick as I could possibly be and for the 6 days following I was able to taper down another “unnecessary” medication. So today makes 5 days or 120 hours with nothing “unnecessary”.

I have to write lightly for another 30-60 days because what I write could effect much more than this blog. So in this post and “all in a week” I had to write in a manner that I will clarify later but I feel like if I don’t add some “fine print” that I am not being honest…if none of this makes sense than: 1: I’ve accomplished my earlier goal for this post and 2: I’ll clarify it all at a later date.

All in a week

I don’t know if I’ll ever post this but I’m writing it anyway. For the last 4 years I’ve been taking  prescription medication. I’ve tried to wean myself off. Last week I became so sick from a virus that I couldn’t get out of bed so I thought it would be a good time to try again! So last Wednesday I started titrating down (I’m in no way suggesting that this is the best way for anyone else to do this) and last night was the very last of the very last. I sweat and then I’m cold, back and forth, back and forth. I took my Wellbutrin and Buspar last night along with melatonin and I slept from midnight until 8am without my legs becoming restless which is amazing. However I couldn’t get out of bed until noon because I was still so tired and cold! Thank God for Edgar!

He keeps me going no matter what and if course my ever patient husband

They keep me in good spirits and faith keeps me strong. So being sick and tapering off “unnecessary” medication isn’t enough so mother nature made her appearance (my opinion about this is in a post: thank you Eve), my oldest son had been arrested the week before for a FTA (failure to appear) and was released on the same Wednesday as above (8/15/18) which could have been a good thing but that’s a whole post by itself.

So during this week 8/15-8/22 I’ve been trying to get things in order to start school (first class was Monday and thankfully it’s only 1 day a week) today I wake up and check the mail and find a letter saying my financial aid wasn’t processed because they were lacking documentation! Documentation I sent in last week during my misery

So I called and the person they told me to send the documentation to hadn’t even been in and had 45 emails she hasn’t gone through. They claim however that they will get it worked out!

Last but certainly not least it occurred to me that the reoccurring issue that I’m constantly running from is my childhood. The abuse that I haven’t addressed is holding me back. So yesterday I made an appt with growing strong sexual assault center that’s set for today at 2pm.

Soooooo that’s my week in a nutshell!

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