The Book of Sunshine: Introduction

(A short, ok sort of short, preview)

My early beliefs shaped so many decisions:

As a young girl I HATED my name. So much so that I always went by Sunny until I was in Junior High. Why couldn’t I have been named Kim? That was my dream name! So simple and not drawing any attention. That is the way I wanted it!11021168_10203210876383998_6864499889922935607_n

Poor People Have Poor Ways!


Causes of poverty

Poverty is an exceptionally complicated social phenomenon, and trying to discover its causes is equally complicated. The stereotypic (and simplistic) explanation persists—that the poor cause their own poverty—based on the notion that anything is possible in America. Some theorists have accused the poor of having little concern for the future and preferring to “live for the moment”; others have accused them of engaging in self‐defeating behavior. Still other theorists have characterized the poor as fatalists, resigning themselves to a culture of poverty in which nothing can be done to change their economic outcomes. In this culture of poverty—which passes from generation to generation—the poor feel negative, inferior, passive, hopeless, and powerless.The “blame the poor” perspective is stereotypic and not applicable to all of the underclass. Not only are most poor people able and willing to work hard, they do so when given the chance. The real trouble has to do with such problems as minimum wages and lack of access to the education necessary for obtaining a better‐paying job.
More recently, sociologists have focused on other theories of poverty. One theory of poverty has to do with the flight of the middle class, including employers, from the cities and into the suburbs. This has limited the opportunities for the inner‐city poor to find adequate jobs. According to another theory, the poor would rather receive welfare payments than work in demeaning positions as maids or in fast‐food restaurants. As a result of this view, the welfare system has come under increasing attack in recent years.
Again, no simple explanations for or solutions to the problem of poverty exist. Although varying theories abound, sociologists will continue to pay attention to this issue in the years to come.

https://www.cliffsnotes.com/study-guides/sociology/social-and-global-stratification/causes-and-effects-of-poverty

Roughly 14% or 40+ million Americans live below the poverty line and depending on if you are Trump (250,000 Americans live in “deep poverty”) or the UN (18.5 million Americans live in “deep poverty”) Growing up I always subscribe to the belief that “poor people have poor ways”. This is certainly a personal belief based on personal experience as well as data compiled by many theorists etc. I’ve read some very offensive versions of this belief: “poor people are the way they are because they are lazy/ don’t care/ don’t know any better”. For me it’s clear that poverty is often a life cycle. You start out poor and it can become like a habit. You start to realise or believe that you aren’t worth an education or a good job. You are often looked down upon in a way that tells you to “stay in your place”. My counselor recently stated it very well. People living in poverty often feel isolated. Poverty puts you in a box! My point to all this is that my family seems to have been plagued by some pretty messed up choices for generations and most of these choices seem to occur most often in poor families. So yes, as television will tell you: drug addiction, domestic violence and child abuse doesn’t discriminate BUT these situations are much more common to families living in poverty! 


The effects of poverty

The effects of poverty are serious. Children who grow up in poverty suffer more persistent, frequent, and severe health problems than do children who grow up under better financial circumstances.
Many infants born into poverty have a low birth weight, which is associated with many preventable mental and physical disabilities. Not only are these poor infants more likely to be irritable or sickly, they are also more likely to die before their first birthday.


Children raised in poverty tend to miss school more often because of illness. These children also have a much higher rate of accidents than do other children, and they are twice as likely to have impaired vision and hearing, iron deficiency anemia, and higher than normal levels of lead in the blood, which can impair brain 

https://www.cliffsnotes.com/study-guides/sociology/social-and-global-stratification/causes-and-effects-of-poverty

So, my point to all this carrying on is: I will start writing a collection of posts that will all be titled: The Book of Sunshine. My method has changed several times in the last few days and I already had the majority of this post completed as well as the post titled “Prologue” so I’ll officially start the story with:The Book of Sunshine: Chapter 1. I don’t believe I will have titles for each chapter yet nor do I have an exact plan for a timeline but I do have a brief outline from me being a toddler to age 16 which is actually divided up by who my mom was married to at the time. 

I’ve been trying to get to a place in my life that brings me peace! I’ve made SO much progress year to year but this year I’ve made the most progress thus far! To have peace I feel that I have to make peace with my past and as it turns out, to make peace with your past you have to process it and as it turns out that includes a much more difficult task: You have to take a long hard look at what makes you who you are AND you have to be “OK” with it OR adjust accordingly. This collection of posts are my biggest and best attempt at processing my past and because that is a work in progress so are my methods of processing!

Advertisements

Anxiety/Depression/Baggage (it’s all related)

anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/wp-1539450923462..jpg
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
“he felt a surge of anxiety”
synonyms: worryconcernapprehension, apprehensiveness, uneasinessunease, fearfulness, feardisquietdisquietudeinquietudeperturbationagitationangstmisgivingnervousness, nerves, tension, tenseness; More

 Depression:
1: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
“self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”
2: a long and severe recession in an economy or market.
“the depression in the housing market

Baggage:

past experiences or long-held ideas regarded as burdens and impediments.
“the emotional baggage I’m hauling around”
wp-1539451156930..jpg
It wasn’t until the last couple of weeks that I realized anxiety was the voice I kept hearing in my head telling me “you can’t do this” “you don’t have time for that” “remember, that is too hard to do” “you aren’t smart enough to accomplish________” I kept identifying the feelings as stress! This is a link I found for screening tools that can help you sort through various mental health issues:
Growing up I thought that people could just look at me and see right through me. I was sure that people could tell that I was growing up with a shit home life, poor, parenting myself, abuse etc. It took me years of adulting to know that wasn’t the case.

I’ve been going to counseling since I was 9 years old! Well off and on anyway. Any counseling before I was 20 was mainly court ordered due to being in foster care and/or related to resolving issues of abuse which looking back never was successful.

1_IN_10perpetratorsrisk_factors_3SIGNS

If you or someone you know has been abused:

GET HELP NOW

CALL 866.FOR.LIGHT OR TEXT LIGHT TO 741741

You are not alone – resources and support are available. Call to have questions answered or chat with a trained crisis counselor, 24/7 at no charge. All conversations are confidential.

 

Researchers estimate that 38% of child victims disclose the fact that they have been sexually
abused.5,6 Of these, 40% tell a close friend, rather than an adult or authority.7 These “friend-to-friend”
disclosures do not always result in reports. This means that the vast majority of child sexual abuse
incidents are never reported to authorities, though research suggests that disclosure rates to authorities
may be increasing.

Finkelhor, D., Ormrod, R., Turner, H. A., & Hamby, S. L. (2012). Child and youth victimization known to school, police,
and medical officials in a national sample of children and youth. Juvenile Justice Bulletin, (No. NCJ 235394). Washington,
DC: United States Department of Justice, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.

I’ve always avoided discussing the abuse I endured growing up. I stuffed it down deep for years and spent my time perpetuating chaos subconsciously avoiding my childhood. I did have counselors that would elude to the fact that I wasn’t covering the root of all my problems but I was hell bent on putting out fires because that required less effort.

Finally I moved back to Decatur in 2013 and life started to be less chaotic and as a result I had more time for self reflection. wp-15322971963037355743889565155872.png

In 2015 I found an amazing counselor who let me avoid the topic of abuse for awhile but then started pressing me. That eventually led me to finding a counselor at Growing Strong Sexual Assault Center but not until 2017 and I only went a few times AND I verbalized what I had endured ONCE and thought I was cured and didn’t go back.

This situation is actually intertwined with another that I’ve been going through this year. I would not say at all that my childhood was actually the cause of my opiate addiction but after finally openly discussing some things with the counselor I am seeing now I can see a correlation.

People who misuse opioids often report extensive histories of childhood maltreatment, which include emotional and physical abuse, emotional and physical neglect, and sexual abuse……Authors:News Author: Batya Swift Yasgur, MA, LSW; CME Author: Laurie Barclay, MD

Of course it started with a prescription here and there over the years (2007-2015) and then it occurred to me that if I took pain medicine then I could work more. The pain in my feet, carpel tunnel and back would be relieved which curbed the fatigue and enabling me to work more hours. After the scripts ran out then I found opiates on my own and of course justified it all with the above reasoning.  This ties into the childhood issues because being sexually abused over many years by several men made me feel like damaged goods. If I could work more than I would be indispensable regardless of being damaged goods! If I could have identified these issues earlier in life it would have saved me a lot of heartache!

I started this blog for 2 reasons:

1: I was sure that writing this blog would be therapeutic

2: I wanted to help others

Point being, if there is anything that I would stress to anyone, DON”T WAIT! Don’t wait to take care of yourself!wp-15322981882021055409800515570857.png

I think it is safe to say that we all want some of the same things in life and just as I thought when looking it up the #1 thing was:

Happiness
Biggest Challenge:  “Not knowing what I want to do.”
Happiness is a choice folks.  It just is, plain and simple.  Every single day you get to decide if you are going to be happy or not.  I think the main reason most people are unhappy is because they are looking for something outside of themselves to “make them happy.”  Guess what, the new car, house, outfit, boyfriend, or girlfriend is not the answer.  The only person or thing that will bring you happiness is YOU…….Kathy Caprino  The Top 10 Things People Want In Life But Can’t Seem To Get.  

You can’t be happy if your anxious or depressed and the only way to beat anxiety and depression ongoing is to get rid of your baggage! The sooner you get rid of it the better! You can’t just ignore it, shove it down, alter your mind to avoid it….you have to take it step by step. You have to actually put in the sometimes long, tiring, frustrating, no immediate gratification work to boldly acknowledge your baggage (each piece individually) take it out, unfold it, see where it came from, why it is keeping you down and after you’ve gone through each one (like steps in the grieving process) you can then and only then fold it back up, put it in the bag and let it go!

Zachuery aka Zachariah aka Pooky Wooky

October 19, 1994 (2 weeks after my due date, 1 day after a failed attempt at inducing labor and 4-6 hours after the Dr assisted my water breaking) came my 2nd bouncing baby boy!

The next day we took him home and unlike his older brother he started sleeping 4+ hours at night within the first couple of weeks. He was such a calm baby (especially in contrast to his brother) that I called the pediatrician concerned something was wrong! After a handful of questions the pediatrician assured me that Zach was just fine and just a good sleeping baby!

I’ve mentioned this in a past post but I like to remind my kids that they are so smart and healthy because I breast fed all of them and Zachuery for the longest. I’m sure there is a direct correlation to his good health and generally good decision making!

As the boys were growing up we always told them Zach would be president and his older brother Sean would be his bodyguard. That’s not quite how things have turned out but it gives you a feel for their personalities.

Zach did great in school and starting in 5th grade (due to his distain for daycare) he started watching his little sisters before and after school. He was always so responsible and fairly meticulous. We realized at one point that he had been folding his dirty clothes and when we would eat out everyone would be done eating but Zach would just be done cutting his food into perfectly even pieces!!

A review of over 200 birth order studies found that middles are characterized as sociable, more faithful in monogamous relationships, and have the fewest “acting out” problems…..

However, if events would have been different then I would not have spent this summer with the newest born love of my life…..Zachs’ daughter : Rima

Unfortunately in September Rimas’ mother came and took her to Texas and will not allow us to see her or talk to her. Zach and her mother were never married so at this point he has no legal rights. However, I have quickly become a legal self help guru as a result and I have begun filing the necessary paperwork to get into court and establish paternity and custody/visitation. We do not have lots of money for an attorney but we are going Monday for a free consultation! In the meanwhile we are keeping busy using our missing her as motivation to work hard on getting her back in our lives!!

To write or Not To write

I’ve read several posts about having posts in backup for when you can’t/ don’t write. The only issue I really have with that is that it doesn’t feel like I write as genuinely when it isn’t in the moment. I can’t remember the last time I felt like writing. I go to enough counseling sessions these days that I should have plenty to write about. I’ve learned so much about myself  recently but it all revolves around 2 things that I can’t discuss (an ongoing issue I’ve hit on and abuse I endured as a child)……..where do people get the strength to tell their stories? Like really,  I am so exhausted each and everyday I feel like doing NOTHING!! Certainly not discussing my shit childhood! wp-1534960308688239657689092335712.png

I have a long list of things I’d LOVE to write about:

  • Poverty
  • Prison Reform
  • Recent GOD encounters
  • My Potbelly Pig
  • My 1st middle son
  • More nursing home honesty
  • Childhood abuse

The Great Fight: 9/27/18 (Me vs. my most recent demons) All of these are actually related and it is strange to me that it took until I was 31+10 years old to figure it out.

I would also like to write about the following positive subjects:

Sports: Dallas Cowboys, Serena Williams, Tiger Woods

Movies

Books

Music

Those 4 items are the things I use to get my cheap thrills. I intentionally seek out anything and everything (#1 should be FOOD) that will fill up my love cup and take my mind off this awful and hideous fight that I can’t tell anyone about openly and honestly until after Thursday Morning!! wp-15353855252858176264681302685078.png

I did just remember however that I do have a few very delightful events I want to share!!!!

1: My daughter text me a week ago to tell me that she knew about inexpensive Taylor Swift tickets (typically I would say I am a part time/ closet fan) so some how we were able to put things together quick enough that we got to go! I have to admit I really enjoyed her music and the show she put on!

 

2: Thursday I visited a little town close to us: Arthur, Illinois. They have wonderful little Amish shops. Where I had a delightful time! Just leisurely walking around and enjoying the old shops. In particular I found a little store that had it’s own little library/books for sale area and fell in love!

The most important items I found and purchased are the entire reason I have loved pigs my whole life and have collected pig everything and led me to having Edgar, the Super Bestest Pig Ever! 20180920_151132

3: I have been a Football/ Dallas Cowboy fan since 1993. I have been to see them once a few years ago in St. Louis before the Rams abandoned the area and they won and it was the best thing since sliced cheese other than all the other things that I said were!! Anyway, during a series of very FORTUNATE events I was able to buy 2 tickets with the BEST view of any event, to see the Cowboys play against the colts on December, 16th of this year which so happens to be my birthday!!20180919_131631screenshot_20180919-153634_bixby-home-e1537751267249.jpg

Days like this

 

wp-15353072867981784191584359699017.pngEvery once in awhile I actually slow down long enough to enjoy life. It feels so strange, like doing something your not suppose to be doing ie: sitting around all day watching football/ bachelor in paradise and your favorite music videos of all time. I feel like that last sentence just told my age…..I did own….well my mom owned an 8 track version of the pop song: Little Red Riding Hood by, OMG, I just looked up the artist: Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs. Like really…80s….you couldn’t come up with anything better….maybe shorter. Well anyway, moving on…….I feel as though maybe I shouldn’t write during these times because it will either ramble on, get off track several times……or worse yet, just make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Actually I like that idea! My goal will be for this post to make no sense whatsoever!

wp-15353072248564090604442485858113.pngSo, last night I was babysitting my beautiful Granddaughtermvimg_20180725_133016-animation

She just so happens to love music which works great for me! She really gets excited over every genre that I play from the 70s through today but she really seems to love the 70s & 80s! I think she appreciates (I’m having a very hard time articulating right now) the grandness? the bigness? the loudness? Hell, I don’t know, all I know is that she is clearly from my DNA!! She loves:Queen, Aerosmith, Pointer Sisters, Ciara, Nikki Minaj, EMINEM….that was the most important test! At any rate she took a late nap last night so she was raring to go, singing and dancing to music with me and then running off to wreak havoc on the house, the pig, the cat and my Mom! Nonetheless we had a great time!

So, if anyone is keeping up I’d like to give myself props: A week ago Wednesday I stopped taking some “unnecessary” medication. Luckily I was already sick as I could possibly be and for the 6 days following I was able to taper down another “unnecessary” medication. So today makes 5 days or 120 hours with nothing “unnecessary”.

I have to write lightly for another 30-60 days because what I write could effect much more than this blog. So in this post and “all in a week” I had to write in a manner that I will clarify later but I feel like if I don’t add some “fine print” that I am not being honest…if none of this makes sense than: 1: I’ve accomplished my earlier goal for this post and 2: I’ll clarify it all at a later date.

All in a week

I don’t know if I’ll ever post this but I’m writing it anyway. For the last 4 years I’ve been taking  prescription medication. I’ve tried to wean myself off. Last week I became so sick from a virus that I couldn’t get out of bed so I thought it would be a good time to try again! So last Wednesday I started titrating down (I’m in no way suggesting that this is the best way for anyone else to do this) and last night was the very last of the very last. I sweat and then I’m cold, back and forth, back and forth. I took my Wellbutrin and Buspar last night along with melatonin and I slept from midnight until 8am without my legs becoming restless which is amazing. However I couldn’t get out of bed until noon because I was still so tired and cold! Thank God for Edgar!

He keeps me going no matter what and if course my ever patient husband

They keep me in good spirits and faith keeps me strong. So being sick and tapering off “unnecessary” medication isn’t enough so mother nature made her appearance (my opinion about this is in a post: thank you Eve), my oldest son had been arrested the week before for a FTA (failure to appear) and was released on the same Wednesday as above (8/15/18) which could have been a good thing but that’s a whole post by itself.

So during this week 8/15-8/22 I’ve been trying to get things in order to start school (first class was Monday and thankfully it’s only 1 day a week) today I wake up and check the mail and find a letter saying my financial aid wasn’t processed because they were lacking documentation! Documentation I sent in last week during my misery

So I called and the person they told me to send the documentation to hadn’t even been in and had 45 emails she hasn’t gone through. They claim however that they will get it worked out!

Last but certainly not least it occurred to me that the reoccurring issue that I’m constantly running from is my childhood. The abuse that I haven’t addressed is holding me back. So yesterday I made an appt with growing strong sexual assault center that’s set for today at 2pm.

Soooooo that’s my week in a nutshell!

The Crime Report – Home

Criminal Justice…. This is a link to The CrimeReport a news and media site full of unbiased info, news and resources about our “criminal Justice system”

https://www.facebook.com/The-Crime-Report-110343137639/

Daydreaming

In comparison to me my husband is very outgoing!! In his career (10+ years in sales 10 years owning his own business) he has to put himself “out there” daily. He is constantly having to”sell himself” and he genuinely does a good job of it! I feel that these same personality traits are the ones that allow him to vividly tell me stories that involve our lives taking a turn for the better whether it’s small and temporary or on a large long term scale. I honestly wish I could be in his world. It appears to be so wonderful and magical to someone like me: Quiet, (unless you mess with my loved ones, I had several disputes with teachers and MDs when my kids were young) shy, paralyzed with fear of rejection……

However, if I were to allow myself to daydream I think it would look like this:

That looks like a great life to me! Old house out in the country with Edgar the Super Bestest Pig Ever, his sidekick Cat Buddy Jerry, a few rescue pigs, lots of Sunflowers and then inspirational/serene walks! The reason why I bring all this up is: I feel that many people (like my husband) are genuinely able to see themselves doing whatever it is that they want to do and some how that enables them to move/propel themselves in that direction.

Nearly everyday I go over the same things in my head: What can I do today to make my life better? After coming up with most of the same answers as the day before, I start reading up on whatever will motivate me, work on my blog, or marketing our family business or developing an online store and then as the day goes on I talk myself out of any move that would actually bring some results! I have this ever present fear of failure, brought on by an ever present fear of people judging me negatively, brought on by an ever present fear of feeling shame/embarrassment which after years of therapy, reading and recently blogging I know stems from childhood……

I am the blond, naturally, being silly every chance I got! Looking at these pictures I realize a few things: 1. When I think back my memories always have a dark cloud hovering, by this time I had already had many days of witnessing abuse which at one point resulted in my jaw being broke when I fell off the side of a bed as well as many days of going without many of the things we all take for granted on a daily basis: attention from our parents, food, a safe home etc 2. I was 6 in the pic with the dress. In a year’s time my mom had left the man I thought was my Dad, moved into a women’s shelter, met a man, moved in with him and this is their wedding day. The picture with me sticking my tongue out, I am 9. By this time my mom left the last husband, I’ve experienced abuse more than once, my mom has met a new man that she has married and he has lost his job within a year so we are living in poverty and I am no longer oblivious to how bad life is. 3. Discussing the above memories is something I rarely if ever do!

Long-Term Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect – Child Welfare Information Gateway

The impact of child abuse and neglect
is often discussed in terms of physical,
psychological, behavioral, and societal
consequences. In reality, however, it
is impossible to separate the types of
impacts. Physical consequences, such as
damage to a child’s growing brain, can
have psychological implications, such as
cognitive delays or emotional difficulties.
Psychological problems often manifest as
high-risk behaviors. Depression and anxiety,
for example, may make a person more likely
to smoke, abuse alcohol or drugs, or overeat.
High-risk behaviors, in turn, can lead to
long-term physical health problems, such
as sexually transmitted diseases, cancer, and
obesity.

Suggested Citation: Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2013). Long-term consequences of child abuse and neglect. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau.

Father’s Day

as-a-father-this-was-the-best-mothers-day-gift-ever-109493.png

It was only recently that I realized how little regard I had for the “father role”. I had no idea who my biological father was until I was 15 and when I met him he said “I couldn’t be sure at the time because of your mom”. So in once fail swoop he let me know that 1: it didn’t matter enough to him to figure it out and 2: because of your mom…….implying what? That my mom was sleeping around? Wow what a good start. At any rate, no real love lost there. During my childhood my mom did marry several times and all though they all had some endearing qualities (I use this term in the loosest possible way) they all were actually the last person you would want your mom to marry.  OK, after saying that I feel kind of bad, 1 1/2 of them were OK. Point being still no one showing me that fathers actually matter. I remember thinking to myself at one point that if/when I had children I would be better off just raising them on my own.

After doing everything ass backwards, getting pregnant very young, married very young, divorced young and then having my girls, and then leaving their dad. I actually found myself in a position in 2013 that would lead me to realize how important and wonderful fathers can be! My girls father and I got back together as our youngest daughter was starting her freshman year of high school. I thought I had made an awful mistake because our daughter aka our Princess aka Alexa and her Dad could not see eye to eye. Alexa gave her Dad a run for his money every time he tried to enforce the rules. She would even tell me I was letting him be mean to her by taking her phone away.

In 2015 my husband had a diving accident (this was kind of self induced but changed our lives forever due to the traumatic brain injury TBI) Austin and Alexa could not see their dad in such a condition but Alexa clearly has come to love her father more than ever!alexaanddad.jpg

So, here we are: 2018. Our 3 children we raised together have all gone off to college, are working while going to school, have their own places etc. I genuinely believe now that God intended on their being 2 parents (or more) involved in a child’s life. Regardless of the family dynamics it is virtually impossible for 1 parent to give a child everything they need. There is no balance.

I just want to say: Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers. If you aren’t in your kids lives please make an effort to do so!

This is my husband and I the day before the accident, We’re pretty sure he got a face lift in surgery! =+)meandrogdaybeforeaccident

Laziness

life won't catch up

 

I’ve never had trouble getting up and going to work (when I’m employed). I’ve never had trouble working 10 hour shifts, 12 hour shifts, doubles or my days off. In the 5 years at my last job I literally NEVER called in. In the summer of 2015 my husband had an accident which kept him in the hospital (45 min from home & work) for 3 weeks and when he came home he had 2+ months of healing. During the 1st week in the hospital my boss told me not to come in the first 3 days, then I worked 2 days, driving back to the hospital each night and on the Monday of the 2nd week, the day of his surgery I thought working would keep my mind occupied but my boss told me there was no way she wanted me coming in. Each scheduled day after that I went to work!tired nurse

So, the point to the above rambling is that I can’t say I am lazy when it comes to work but other than that it feels as though I am. Is it that I am lazy or that depression keeps me from wanting to do much? Is it just negative self talk that tells me that I am lazy? Is that the same voice that tells me that I can’t do this or I can’t do that!? It is as though the fatigue is unbeatable no matter how much sleep I get or how much caffeine I consume. I’ve had labs drawn several times and typically my vitamin D is low but vitamin D never fixes the fatigue. Vitamin-D-Deficiency

Everyday I have all these things that I want to do. Things that are just routine and things that I have to leave the house for and things that would greatly benefit me. None of these are important enough (typically) to light a fire under my ass. The years that I raised my children by myself I could do anything under the sun as though there was a constant fire under me. So now that I don’t have to do everything I just don’t have the energy to do anything? superhero mom running

Well I will attempt to wrangle all this in! I realize my lack of energy is probably a combination of depression, lack of vitamin D and what I perceive as laziness may just be how life is when your not doing everything on your own. Everyday it is a battle not to have negative self talk: you can’t do it, you don’t deserve it, you will never follow through, blah blah blah. No matter how many self help articles I read I can’t convince myself that I can do what I put my mind to and I do deserve to try out my ideas and if they prove to be profitable I do deserve that as well.

%d bloggers like this: