Anxiety/Depression/Baggage (it’s all related)

anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/wp-1539450923462..jpg
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
“he felt a surge of anxiety”
synonyms: worryconcernapprehension, apprehensiveness, uneasinessunease, fearfulness, feardisquietdisquietudeinquietudeperturbationagitationangstmisgivingnervousness, nerves, tension, tenseness; More

 Depression:
1: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
“self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”
2: a long and severe recession in an economy or market.
“the depression in the housing market

Baggage:

past experiences or long-held ideas regarded as burdens and impediments.
“the emotional baggage I’m hauling around”
wp-1539451156930..jpg
It wasn’t until the last couple of weeks that I realized anxiety was the voice I kept hearing in my head telling me “you can’t do this” “you don’t have time for that” “remember, that is too hard to do” “you aren’t smart enough to accomplish________” I kept identifying the feelings as stress! This is a link I found for screening tools that can help you sort through various mental health issues:
Growing up I thought that people could just look at me and see right through me. I was sure that people could tell that I was growing up with a shit home life, poor, parenting myself, abuse etc. It took me years of adulting to know that wasn’t the case.

I’ve been going to counseling since I was 9 years old! Well off and on anyway. Any counseling before I was 20 was mainly court ordered due to being in foster care and/or related to resolving issues of abuse which looking back never was successful.

1_IN_10perpetratorsrisk_factors_3SIGNS

If you or someone you know has been abused:

GET HELP NOW

CALL 866.FOR.LIGHT OR TEXT LIGHT TO 741741

You are not alone – resources and support are available. Call to have questions answered or chat with a trained crisis counselor, 24/7 at no charge. All conversations are confidential.

 

Researchers estimate that 38% of child victims disclose the fact that they have been sexually
abused.5,6 Of these, 40% tell a close friend, rather than an adult or authority.7 These “friend-to-friend”
disclosures do not always result in reports. This means that the vast majority of child sexual abuse
incidents are never reported to authorities, though research suggests that disclosure rates to authorities
may be increasing.

Finkelhor, D., Ormrod, R., Turner, H. A., & Hamby, S. L. (2012). Child and youth victimization known to school, police,
and medical officials in a national sample of children and youth. Juvenile Justice Bulletin, (No. NCJ 235394). Washington,
DC: United States Department of Justice, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.

I’ve always avoided discussing the abuse I endured growing up. I stuffed it down deep for years and spent my time perpetuating chaos subconsciously avoiding my childhood. I did have counselors that would elude to the fact that I wasn’t covering the root of all my problems but I was hell bent on putting out fires because that required less effort.

Finally I moved back to Decatur in 2013 and life started to be less chaotic and as a result I had more time for self reflection. wp-15322971963037355743889565155872.png

In 2015 I found an amazing counselor who let me avoid the topic of abuse for awhile but then started pressing me. That eventually led me to finding a counselor at Growing Strong Sexual Assault Center but not until 2017 and I only went a few times AND I verbalized what I had endured ONCE and thought I was cured and didn’t go back.

This situation is actually intertwined with another that I’ve been going through this year. I would not say at all that my childhood was actually the cause of my opiate addiction but after finally openly discussing some things with the counselor I am seeing now I can see a correlation.

People who misuse opioids often report extensive histories of childhood maltreatment, which include emotional and physical abuse, emotional and physical neglect, and sexual abuse……Authors:News Author: Batya Swift Yasgur, MA, LSW; CME Author: Laurie Barclay, MD

Of course it started with a prescription here and there over the years (2007-2015) and then it occurred to me that if I took pain medicine then I could work more. The pain in my feet, carpel tunnel and back would be relieved which curbed the fatigue and enabling me to work more hours. After the scripts ran out then I found opiates on my own and of course justified it all with the above reasoning.  This ties into the childhood issues because being sexually abused over many years by several men made me feel like damaged goods. If I could work more than I would be indispensable regardless of being damaged goods! If I could have identified these issues earlier in life it would have saved me a lot of heartache!

I started this blog for 2 reasons:

1: I was sure that writing this blog would be therapeutic

2: I wanted to help others

Point being, if there is anything that I would stress to anyone, DON”T WAIT! Don’t wait to take care of yourself!wp-15322981882021055409800515570857.png

I think it is safe to say that we all want some of the same things in life and just as I thought when looking it up the #1 thing was:

Happiness
Biggest Challenge:  “Not knowing what I want to do.”
Happiness is a choice folks.  It just is, plain and simple.  Every single day you get to decide if you are going to be happy or not.  I think the main reason most people are unhappy is because they are looking for something outside of themselves to “make them happy.”  Guess what, the new car, house, outfit, boyfriend, or girlfriend is not the answer.  The only person or thing that will bring you happiness is YOU…….Kathy Caprino  The Top 10 Things People Want In Life But Can’t Seem To Get.  

You can’t be happy if your anxious or depressed and the only way to beat anxiety and depression ongoing is to get rid of your baggage! The sooner you get rid of it the better! You can’t just ignore it, shove it down, alter your mind to avoid it….you have to take it step by step. You have to actually put in the sometimes long, tiring, frustrating, no immediate gratification work to boldly acknowledge your baggage (each piece individually) take it out, unfold it, see where it came from, why it is keeping you down and after you’ve gone through each one (like steps in the grieving process) you can then and only then fold it back up, put it in the bag and let it go!

Advertisements

To write or Not To write

I’ve read several posts about having posts in backup for when you can’t/ don’t write. The only issue I really have with that is that it doesn’t feel like I write as genuinely when it isn’t in the moment. I can’t remember the last time I felt like writing. I go to enough counseling sessions these days that I should have plenty to write about. I’ve learned so much about myself  recently but it all revolves around 2 things that I can’t discuss (an ongoing issue I’ve hit on and abuse I endured as a child)……..where do people get the strength to tell their stories? Like really,  I am so exhausted each and everyday I feel like doing NOTHING!! Certainly not discussing my shit childhood! wp-1534960308688239657689092335712.png

I have a long list of things I’d LOVE to write about:

  • Poverty
  • Prison Reform
  • Recent GOD encounters
  • My Potbelly Pig
  • My 1st middle son
  • More nursing home honesty
  • Childhood abuse

The Great Fight: 9/27/18 (Me vs. my most recent demons) All of these are actually related and it is strange to me that it took until I was 31+10 years old to figure it out.

I would also like to write about the following positive subjects:

Sports: Dallas Cowboys, Serena Williams, Tiger Woods

Movies

Books

Music

Those 4 items are the things I use to get my cheap thrills. I intentionally seek out anything and everything (#1 should be FOOD) that will fill up my love cup and take my mind off this awful and hideous fight that I can’t tell anyone about openly and honestly until after Thursday Morning!! wp-15353855252858176264681302685078.png

I did just remember however that I do have a few very delightful events I want to share!!!!

1: My daughter text me a week ago to tell me that she knew about inexpensive Taylor Swift tickets (typically I would say I am a part time/ closet fan) so some how we were able to put things together quick enough that we got to go! I have to admit I really enjoyed her music and the show she put on!

 

2: Thursday I visited a little town close to us: Arthur, Illinois. They have wonderful little Amish shops. Where I had a delightful time! Just leisurely walking around and enjoying the old shops. In particular I found a little store that had it’s own little library/books for sale area and fell in love!

The most important items I found and purchased are the entire reason I have loved pigs my whole life and have collected pig everything and led me to having Edgar, the Super Bestest Pig Ever! 20180920_151132

3: I have been a Football/ Dallas Cowboy fan since 1993. I have been to see them once a few years ago in St. Louis before the Rams abandoned the area and they won and it was the best thing since sliced cheese other than all the other things that I said were!! Anyway, during a series of very FORTUNATE events I was able to buy 2 tickets with the BEST view of any event, to see the Cowboys play against the colts on December, 16th of this year which so happens to be my birthday!!20180919_131631screenshot_20180919-153634_bixby-home-e1537751267249.jpg

Pulling The Trigger

I have no idea what I’m afraid of….. Wait that’s a lie after years of counseling I do know what I’m afraid of…. Failure!! I spend an unbelievable amount of time online everyday researching various things I want to do or need to do and yet I still don’t do the final step to get whatever “it” is going. Among a few issues that I have that my husband does not , difficulty pulling the trigger is high on the list. He is so sweet and loving and tries to get me over the hump but he has no fear of failure or rejection. He does not realize that it is actually paralyzing. I like to announce that I’m going to do things that I don’t want to do in hopes that someone will help me enforce it LOL. Yesterday I said I’m going to do two things that I don’t want to do & I am going to get them done by the end of the day. So, at the top of my “pulling the trigger list”

1: link my blog to FB

This may seem very obvious to some but I’m so scared of being judged that I just won’t do it.

2: publish the new FB page I made for at home care for seniors

I am more than qualified for this and I clearly have to pay my bills so I’m not sure the exact Fear Factor here.

3: create a website for the above-mentioned business and or add a page to this website. 3 1/2: Nor have I putting to place any of the other 25 things that I’ve researched over the last three years for making money at home and or online.

Whatever my reasoning is for not getting it done is surely directly related to the reason for number 2.

In true Sunshine fashion I have done several hours of research on pulling the trigger or lack thereof. I am a very good procrastinator so I’m sure that has something to do with it. I do lack self-discipline although I do not like determination. I am terrible at forming new habits, again this is not something my husband can relate to. I drive him crazy because I don’t shut the door, I don’t shut off the light, I don’t shut cabinet doors and I don’t put my stuff in the same place every time. I’ve put a lot of thought into this one and I’m pretty sure that it’s directly related to the hierarchy of needs. Growing up the daily worries were will I have a light to shut off or a door to shut. I certainly never worried about putting things in the same place every time!

I do try to get to a resolution by the end of my post but I just don’t have one for this.

Depression, Doom & Gloom, The Dark Cloud

It took me years to recognize when I was depressed.  I was always running on empty, raising the kids, working all the time, going to school and hardly sleeping. As time went on I realized that if I wasn’t taking my medicine I had more days that gave me the constant feeling of impending doom.

After life calmed down I guess I thought I could be depression free. Of course deep down I knew that wasn’t true but I still tried several times to go without medication. I’ve also learned what makes “The Dark Cloud” darker and I’ve tried to keep anything like that at bay. Additionally I have learned what fills up my cup and I desperately try to keep a good balance of those things so that the cloud doesn’t take over.

So, having said all this, it seems as though depression has not acted in a conventional way over the last year. All the things I’ve known to work, to keep that feeling of Doom & Gloom away are failing. I hadn’t been taking my medicine regularly but I have for the last month and I am still waiting for the relief.

Last year, for months on end, I couldn’t get my bearings. I was taking my medicine, staying away from triggers and filling up my cup with very little change in my mood. It seems to have spilled over in to this year. I suppose I could choose to look at it another way! Maybe the feelings of Doom & Gloom, or the inability to get rid of the dark cloud has to do with the fact that my baby just turned 18 and will be going to college in August. Being a mom is all I’ve known for the last 25 years and with everyone leaving I’m not sure where that leaves me.

“Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness”

I would venture to guess that the person that came up with “money doesn’t buy happiness” never had money troubles. It has been my experience that although Happiness isn’t in a bottle for us to run out and buy, being broke makes for a much more miserable existence than not being broke.

Anyone that knows me at all knows that I’m not high maintenance (financially that is). I love to pay my bills, have food in the fridge, buy things for the house and for my family. If/when I don’t have money for these very basic things than I become  very anxious and irritable and difficult to contend with.

I grew up with next to nothing and I have been working ever since I was 16. I’ve never been the one to call in to work. First of all my conscience wouldn’t allow it and secondly neither would my bills. After graduating from nursing school in 2005 I’ve had a handful of nursing jobs and I can guarantee that I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve called in. Not only are my residents and coworkers that important to me, so is my paycheck.

I’m always trying to come up with ways to find financial stability!  I keep thinking that one day soon I will write a book about my life and it will be a best seller and we will have all the money we need! Of course until then, I’ll continue to huff and puff during the times that funds are low!

They say finances are one of the top problems for couples. I can certainly attest to this. With the kids all over 18 with jobs, the only thing left for Rog and I to argue about is money! When he has plenty of work , with me working full time we do fine. (everyone and everything is Happy Happy) During the times that isn’t the case than everyone should stand clear! That alone proves that money DOES buy happiness!

Pondering Life

I have this ever present longing, for what I am not sure, to do something great I guess. The funny thing is that if I come across a situation or cause that I can do nothing about it really bothers me! Whether it be in my personal life, something I see happening at work,  or something I have heard about on the news that I feel passionate about. I just feel like I want to help in some way and I just don’t know how.

I am sure this drive is directly related to my becoming a nurse. Unfortunately this has been a good and bad choice. Good because I love to help people and bad because often my hands are tied as a nurse. I spend so much of my time advocating for my residents that I feel exhausted.

Every cause I come across: Nursing Homes, Poverty, Mental Health, Overcrowded Prisons & Mandatory Minimums. I research for hours on end and I’m not quite sure why but I’m sure it’s because I feel  I can make a difference somehow. I have done a handful of things to do my little part. I work in a nursing home so I’ve presented several ideas to my supervisors to make things better. I go out of my way to make things bearable for my residents!! As far as the other causes mentioned, I have sent several letters to politicians pleading for change as well as educating myself about the politicians so I can feel good when I go to vote. I joined FAMM: families against mandatory minimums and change.org. Change.org allows you to sign petitions that directly affect people and their causes. Lastly I started this blog in hopes that I will say something or provide information to someone that will be of help and/or make a difference!

 

 

Stats

So I am still stuck in the crazy middle of wanting to share my thoughts and wanting to keep them private. Having said that I constantly check the stats on my blog and was so excited to get a little note stating: congrats on 10 likes on: Something about Sunshine. 1. Thank You for the likes and 2. Please someone tell me how they get over/past not wanting to feel the vulnerability that I seem to directly associate with having people read my blog!

Why does it have to be so difficult

There is so much baggage to carry around after a sh*t childhood. Each day that goes by seems so flipping difficult than the day before.

2 weeks ago my mother moved in with me. I embraced it the best I could, thinking this will surely lead to some  kind of mental health!! I really thought it seemed healthy. Then My mom’s money from social security disability was loaded onto her account. She made a list of reasonable items that she wanted to purchase and when I tried to show her some options online for a phone she started giving Roger (my husband) a hateful look and started yelling at us that she would not be paying for any bills! Then my “crippled mother” took off out that back door down toward the gas station. That was around 2 am & did not knock on the door until 6 am and when she did asked me: why  didn’t you tell me? Referring to the argument we had before she left.  Some how my childhood came up and I asked her why she was running off like she did when I was a child.

Why do today what you could put off until tomorrow!!!!

I am an expert in procrastination! I really think I’ve come close to perfecting it! Having said that, every chance I get I tell myself: this is the day, week, month, year that I am going to stop procrastinating! So in the spirit of my new endeavor:” Quit procrastinating by the time I’m 40″ (Ok, I just made up this new pledge to myself but it sounds good) I am going to start this blogging thing again. Today I read something I found to be fairly profound “Don’t put off starting something because you aren’t sure you can finish it. If you get the urge to begin something – an article, a social movement, a letter to your mom – go ahead and start it. The creative energy is strongest at the inception of the idea; and when you get momentum going, you might just find the time and resources to take it all the way. Only one thing is sure to keep you from finishing: NOT STARTING.-Becky Blades
After reading that I thought: now I really have no excuse not to do this or that because all the logic behind putting it off stemmed from all the reasons I knew I wouldn’t complete/stay with it. Well I guess that’s it for today folks: I have about 8 minutes to get ready for work!!

%d bloggers like this: