Perpetual Poverty

Perpetual poverty is a person or family not being able to leave a life of poverty no matter what they do.Mar 11, 2018

The thing I despise the most is feeling as though my hands are tied! Among the many things that make me feel this way, poverty rates at the very top! I grew up very poor. Like no food in the fridge, no clean clothes, power shut off many times, walking to get free food, can’t ever have friends at your house kind of poor!

The cycle of poverty begins when a child is born into a poor family. … On paper, thecycle of poverty has been defined as a phenomenon where poor families become impoverished for at least three generations.Feb 10, 2018

In May I lost my job, mostly through my own doing but I really think it was for the best. My heart just couldn’t handle working in long term care anymore. I immediately filed for unemployment thinking I would just take care of my mom through DORS and collect unemployment for the remainder of the year while attending school. Everything was going along great until November when my unemployment ran out. I guess I didn’t realize that was even possible!! In addition to this, the GM @ our local Menards decided that he wasn’t going to let us get work through their flooring department for our family business! So right before the holidays with all plans in place to have everyone here over the holidays , tickets already bought to see the Cowboys for my birthday in Indiana, a trip already planned to the Dells for my husbands birthday, we realized we had very little income potential.

Typically speaking this would be the moment when my mind would kick into overdrive and I would get in gear! Not this time though. This time depression has continued to prevail. Depression and poverty seem to have such a strong bond with one another. I’m depressed because I am broke, I continue to be broke because I’m depressed. I’ve never been one to feel sorry for myself or to blame others for my problems BUT factually/statistically adults that grew up in poverty and/or endured childhood abuse have a much more difficult time. It is so very sad that the odds are stacked against those born into poverty. It makes no sense to me that : America, the land of the free, where if you work hard enough you too can achieve the “American Dream” actually makes it nearly impossible to achieve such if you are born into poverty.

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This Here Blog

I started this here blog of mine for many reasons, most of which I’ve stated several times and many are the same as others who start blogs. Unfortunately there are days when this here blog of mine causes me all sorts of inner turmoil. My mind is constantly racing: Write, don’t write, Write about how I feel, Write about what I think, Write my life story, Write about me, Write about others, Write completely open and honest (this is the 2nd hardest struggle) Write and post with reckless abandon with all the world to see ALL of your vulnerabilities!?!? (So this may sound dramatic to some but it weighs on my mind and heart daily!) The thought of sharing the most intimate details of my life with those who “know me” but don’t “know me” like that!

Like many other people I made a New Year’s Resolution I have already broken. My resolution was to share This Here Blog openly instead of hiding it away. My ultimate goal and the 1 thing that fills my cup the most is always helping others. Unlike the very brave folks I’ve seen on here and T.V., fearlessly telling their truths to help others, I just CAN’T bring myself to share This Here Blog!

I genuinely feel if I could just get EVERYTHING out I would be taking away it’s power and this would be a huge step toward feeling better. The problem is: I have to get out of this bottomless pit that I seem to have fallen into before I can get anything done.

For the life of me I can’t get out of this terrible rut I am in! It’s like I have to wait until the very last minute to get off of my @ss to get anything done! It’s this big huge BLAH feeling all the time! Everyday I think I am going to get up and be productive, HA!! They switched my medicine so maybe that is part of the problem. Plus being broke during the holidays! I’m not working and I don’t even know where to start with that. I’ve worked as a nurse since 2005 and I have absolutely no desire to continue working as an LPN because in Central Illinois LPN’s aren’t taking seriously. The place to most likely work as an LPN in Central Illinois is a nursing home and I most definitely don’t want to do that anymore!

The more I sit at home, not working outside of taking care of my mom, the more I don’t want to do a thing outside of my home. Usually something will happen that will propel me into action, that has not been the case since Thanksgiving.

The Book of Sunshine: Chapter 1

Date: December of 1976-1981

Age : infant-5years

Husband: J.D.

In the 70’s there was a movie titled: Sunshine . I can’t really tell you why but this is where my mom says she got my name. As with the first few years of my life and what led up to it, I never asked my mom about the origin of my name until after 2001, after I turned 25, after my mom had a major stroke and really couldn’t tell me much.

This movie was a “made for T.V.” special and it’s soundtrack consisted of 7 songs by John Denver, one of which was “Sunshine on my Shoulders’ for which the film is named: IMDb

There’s a menagerie of memories I have up until 5 years old. They are kind of thrown together and all mushed up. My most vivid memories are from 2 different apartments in the same apartment house.

The 2nd floor apartment consisted of a living room to the right when you walked in, a small bathroom just to your left, the kitchen straight ahead and then the only bedroom was to the left of the kitchen. In the upstairs apartment we had a female German Shepard name: Lady and when I was around 3 she jumped up on the roll away bed with me during an argument and her paw got my cheek leaving a scar on my cheek right below my left eye.I also remember a picture of me or maybe it was just my favorite dress pictured in my head hanging on the door frame leading into the living room from the hallway. Either way I remember my favorite pink dress, the one I wore in the pics that actually hung at the neighborhood bar: Julies Tavern, in Decatur, Il , right down the road from where I grew up! I never have come across these pictures as an adult but I remain hopeful!

In the downstairs apartment I have several memories mostly good! My mom would always take me to the public library to rent Little Golden Books & Dr Seuss! I loved reading and being read to and the fun poetry world of Who-ville would leave an everlasting impression (positive impression) on my life! Additionally there was an incident in which I washed my hair with Nair (a bottle of cream rinse used to remove bodily hair which unfortunately included the hair on your head) and to “teach me a lesson, or whatever, my mom cut all of my hair short”. Also we grew up in a time when kids in Africa were starving so it was our duty as a member of The U.S. to eat every thing on our plate no matter what! This particular night it consisted of a bowl of chilli that I did not want to eat for whatever reason so I added A LOT of salt to make it better! Of course it actually made it worse but I had to eat it anyway because we did not WASTE food back then!!!! Lastly, the memory I tell no one about: My stepfather was an alcoholic and he believed in whippens! If you did wrong then you got a spanking with this red and white belt! Well I clearly did something wrong that warranted a whippen with THE BELT!!!! After getting the spanking, I rolled around on the bed in a “convulsive fit” and rolled off the bed and broke my left jaw on the “end table” that sat next to the bed. Who knows what the Dr was told but ultimately the dentist wired my jaw shut to allow the break to heal which meant I had to eat baby food in preschool…..it didn’t last….I pulled the wires out and the dentist gave up.
I honestly don’t remember how soon after this incident my mom and I moved out but I do believe anything longer than immediately would not have occurred if the roles were reversed!

Blah Blah Blah

So it hasn’t been the best week. I mean
I’ve been sooo tired once again! Since deciding that I have anxiety which I’ve always thought of as stress they decided “hey lets put her on a new med so she can feel like shit for 4-6 MORE weeks in a hopes that we are right and the medicine WILL work!  I keep hoping the day will come and they will say: “she has chronic fatigue and we will give her a magical pill (since there is one for everything) and she will have all the energy in the world! So I am convinced this may partially be the brain of an addict but we have all this being prescribed for various reasons but I’m confused on who decides which ones are controlled due to their ability to alter your state of mind? Don’t they all alter your state of mind? The point of pain medication is to tell your brain your not in pain, antidepressant to tell you that you aren’t depressed, anti-anxiety to tell your mind you aren’t anxious? While I’m on the topic, isn’t that the reason weed isn’t legal everywhere? Because it has the ability to alter your state of mind? Top 10 prescribed medications:
  • Vicodin, Norco, Xodol (hydrocodoneacetaminophen) Drug class: Opioid/acetaminophen combinations. …
  • SynthroidLevoxylUnithroid (levothyroxine) Drug class: Thyroxines. …
  • Delasone, Sterapred (prednisone) …
  • Amoxil (amoxicillin) …
  • Neurontin (gabapentin) …
  • PrinivilZestril (lisinopril) …
  • Lipitor (atorvastatin) …
  • Glucophage (metformin)
Top reasons for prescribing marijuana:
  • Cancer.
  • Glaucoma.
  • HIV/AIDS.
  • Hepatitis C.
  • Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
  • Crohn’s disease.
  • Alzheimer’s disease.
  • A chronic or debilitating condition or its treatment that produces one or more of the following: Cachexia (wasting syndrome)
Medical cannabis
  Top 10 reasons people smoke weed: 1. Marijuana as medicine. 2. For the effect of THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol), the main active chemical in marijuana. 3. To relieve the stress, anxiety, fear, pain or anger related to personal, psychological or family issues. 4. Popular culture endorses marijuana use. 5. Low perception of harm. 6. The opportunity to try marijuana presents itself. 7. Peer, family or role model influence. 8. People use marijuana because they were born with or develop certain personality dimensions, such as unconventionality, which make marijuana use non-taboo. 9. Curiosity. 10. To relax.

Anxiety/Depression/Baggage (it’s all related)

anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/wp-1539450923462..jpg
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
“he felt a surge of anxiety”
synonyms: worryconcernapprehension, apprehensiveness, uneasinessunease, fearfulness, feardisquietdisquietudeinquietudeperturbationagitationangstmisgivingnervousness, nerves, tension, tenseness; More

 Depression:
1: feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
“self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”
2: a long and severe recession in an economy or market.
“the depression in the housing market

Baggage:

past experiences or long-held ideas regarded as burdens and impediments.
“the emotional baggage I’m hauling around”
wp-1539451156930..jpg
It wasn’t until the last couple of weeks that I realized anxiety was the voice I kept hearing in my head telling me “you can’t do this” “you don’t have time for that” “remember, that is too hard to do” “you aren’t smart enough to accomplish________” I kept identifying the feelings as stress! This is a link I found for screening tools that can help you sort through various mental health issues:
Growing up I thought that people could just look at me and see right through me. I was sure that people could tell that I was growing up with a shit home life, poor, parenting myself, abuse etc. It took me years of adulting to know that wasn’t the case.

I’ve been going to counseling since I was 9 years old! Well off and on anyway. Any counseling before I was 20 was mainly court ordered due to being in foster care and/or related to resolving issues of abuse which looking back never was successful.

1_IN_10perpetratorsrisk_factors_3SIGNS

If you or someone you know has been abused:

GET HELP NOW

CALL 866.FOR.LIGHT OR TEXT LIGHT TO 741741

You are not alone – resources and support are available. Call to have questions answered or chat with a trained crisis counselor, 24/7 at no charge. All conversations are confidential.

 

Researchers estimate that 38% of child victims disclose the fact that they have been sexually
abused.5,6 Of these, 40% tell a close friend, rather than an adult or authority.7 These “friend-to-friend”
disclosures do not always result in reports. This means that the vast majority of child sexual abuse
incidents are never reported to authorities, though research suggests that disclosure rates to authorities
may be increasing.

Finkelhor, D., Ormrod, R., Turner, H. A., & Hamby, S. L. (2012). Child and youth victimization known to school, police,
and medical officials in a national sample of children and youth. Juvenile Justice Bulletin, (No. NCJ 235394). Washington,
DC: United States Department of Justice, Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.

I’ve always avoided discussing the abuse I endured growing up. I stuffed it down deep for years and spent my time perpetuating chaos subconsciously avoiding my childhood. I did have counselors that would elude to the fact that I wasn’t covering the root of all my problems but I was hell bent on putting out fires because that required less effort.

Finally I moved back to Decatur in 2013 and life started to be less chaotic and as a result I had more time for self reflection. wp-15322971963037355743889565155872.png

In 2015 I found an amazing counselor who let me avoid the topic of abuse for awhile but then started pressing me. That eventually led me to finding a counselor at Growing Strong Sexual Assault Center but not until 2017 and I only went a few times AND I verbalized what I had endured ONCE and thought I was cured and didn’t go back.

This situation is actually intertwined with another that I’ve been going through this year. I would not say at all that my childhood was actually the cause of my opiate addiction but after finally openly discussing some things with the counselor I am seeing now I can see a correlation.

People who misuse opioids often report extensive histories of childhood maltreatment, which include emotional and physical abuse, emotional and physical neglect, and sexual abuse……Authors:News Author: Batya Swift Yasgur, MA, LSW; CME Author: Laurie Barclay, MD

Of course it started with a prescription here and there over the years (2007-2015) and then it occurred to me that if I took pain medicine then I could work more. The pain in my feet, carpel tunnel and back would be relieved which curbed the fatigue and enabling me to work more hours. After the scripts ran out then I found opiates on my own and of course justified it all with the above reasoning.  This ties into the childhood issues because being sexually abused over many years by several men made me feel like damaged goods. If I could work more than I would be indispensable regardless of being damaged goods! If I could have identified these issues earlier in life it would have saved me a lot of heartache!

I started this blog for 2 reasons:

1: I was sure that writing this blog would be therapeutic

2: I wanted to help others

Point being, if there is anything that I would stress to anyone, DON”T WAIT! Don’t wait to take care of yourself!wp-15322981882021055409800515570857.png

I think it is safe to say that we all want some of the same things in life and just as I thought when looking it up the #1 thing was:

Happiness
Biggest Challenge:  “Not knowing what I want to do.”
Happiness is a choice folks.  It just is, plain and simple.  Every single day you get to decide if you are going to be happy or not.  I think the main reason most people are unhappy is because they are looking for something outside of themselves to “make them happy.”  Guess what, the new car, house, outfit, boyfriend, or girlfriend is not the answer.  The only person or thing that will bring you happiness is YOU…….Kathy Caprino  The Top 10 Things People Want In Life But Can’t Seem To Get.  

You can’t be happy if your anxious or depressed and the only way to beat anxiety and depression ongoing is to get rid of your baggage! The sooner you get rid of it the better! You can’t just ignore it, shove it down, alter your mind to avoid it….you have to take it step by step. You have to actually put in the sometimes long, tiring, frustrating, no immediate gratification work to boldly acknowledge your baggage (each piece individually) take it out, unfold it, see where it came from, why it is keeping you down and after you’ve gone through each one (like steps in the grieving process) you can then and only then fold it back up, put it in the bag and let it go!

To write or Not To write

I’ve read several posts about having posts in backup for when you can’t/ don’t write. The only issue I really have with that is that it doesn’t feel like I write as genuinely when it isn’t in the moment. I can’t remember the last time I felt like writing. I go to enough counseling sessions these days that I should have plenty to write about. I’ve learned so much about myself  recently but it all revolves around 2 things that I can’t discuss (an ongoing issue I’ve hit on and abuse I endured as a child)……..where do people get the strength to tell their stories? Like really,  I am so exhausted each and everyday I feel like doing NOTHING!! Certainly not discussing my shit childhood! wp-1534960308688239657689092335712.png

I have a long list of things I’d LOVE to write about:

  • Poverty
  • Prison Reform
  • Recent GOD encounters
  • My Potbelly Pig
  • My 1st middle son
  • More nursing home honesty
  • Childhood abuse

The Great Fight: 9/27/18 (Me vs. my most recent demons) All of these are actually related and it is strange to me that it took until I was 31+10 years old to figure it out.

I would also like to write about the following positive subjects:

Sports: Dallas Cowboys, Serena Williams, Tiger Woods

Movies

Books

Music

Those 4 items are the things I use to get my cheap thrills. I intentionally seek out anything and everything (#1 should be FOOD) that will fill up my love cup and take my mind off this awful and hideous fight that I can’t tell anyone about openly and honestly until after Thursday Morning!! wp-15353855252858176264681302685078.png

I did just remember however that I do have a few very delightful events I want to share!!!!

1: My daughter text me a week ago to tell me that she knew about inexpensive Taylor Swift tickets (typically I would say I am a part time/ closet fan) so some how we were able to put things together quick enough that we got to go! I have to admit I really enjoyed her music and the show she put on!

 

2: Thursday I visited a little town close to us: Arthur, Illinois. They have wonderful little Amish shops. Where I had a delightful time! Just leisurely walking around and enjoying the old shops. In particular I found a little store that had it’s own little library/books for sale area and fell in love!

The most important items I found and purchased are the entire reason I have loved pigs my whole life and have collected pig everything and led me to having Edgar, the Super Bestest Pig Ever! 20180920_151132

3: I have been a Football/ Dallas Cowboy fan since 1993. I have been to see them once a few years ago in St. Louis before the Rams abandoned the area and they won and it was the best thing since sliced cheese other than all the other things that I said were!! Anyway, during a series of very FORTUNATE events I was able to buy 2 tickets with the BEST view of any event, to see the Cowboys play against the colts on December, 16th of this year which so happens to be my birthday!!20180919_131631screenshot_20180919-153634_bixby-home-e1537751267249.jpg

The grocery store/Walmart

I have a love-hate relationship with going to get groceries or to Walmart. I certainly feel like I fall under the category of someone who doesn’t love to go places if I don’t have to. Other times I think social interaction makes you no keeps you kind of sane because you realize everybody has to go to the store okay well not Eminem but, like the rest of us.

So there’s like men shopping and they are get in and get out, typically speaking, accept for the middle son who takes an entire half hour at Denny’s to cut up his pancakes.

And there are the women who are either trying to hurry because they have Screaming Meanies with them or women just always in a rush. Then there is everyone else who stops like I do at every item to weigh its importance in my life

and it really brings a smile to my face when I see someone else shopping in that manner.

Of all nights tonight there is no self-checkout lanes open so yay me after not leaving the house in a week my first trip out and I have to interact with human beings lol I told the young lady at the register I had drove and did math correctly tonight so I was very proud of myself I’m sure she thought I was crazy but she did laugh. To add to the magic of my Excursion the local radio station is playing Sunday night Slow Jams. It should certainly be called Sunday night baby making music!

All in a week

I don’t know if I’ll ever post this but I’m writing it anyway. For the last 4 years I’ve been taking  prescription medication. I’ve tried to wean myself off. Last week I became so sick from a virus that I couldn’t get out of bed so I thought it would be a good time to try again! So last Wednesday I started titrating down (I’m in no way suggesting that this is the best way for anyone else to do this) and last night was the very last of the very last. I sweat and then I’m cold, back and forth, back and forth. I took my Wellbutrin and Buspar last night along with melatonin and I slept from midnight until 8am without my legs becoming restless which is amazing. However I couldn’t get out of bed until noon because I was still so tired and cold! Thank God for Edgar!

He keeps me going no matter what and if course my ever patient husband

They keep me in good spirits and faith keeps me strong. So being sick and tapering off “unnecessary” medication isn’t enough so mother nature made her appearance (my opinion about this is in a post: thank you Eve), my oldest son had been arrested the week before for a FTA (failure to appear) and was released on the same Wednesday as above (8/15/18) which could have been a good thing but that’s a whole post by itself.

So during this week 8/15-8/22 I’ve been trying to get things in order to start school (first class was Monday and thankfully it’s only 1 day a week) today I wake up and check the mail and find a letter saying my financial aid wasn’t processed because they were lacking documentation! Documentation I sent in last week during my misery

So I called and the person they told me to send the documentation to hadn’t even been in and had 45 emails she hasn’t gone through. They claim however that they will get it worked out!

Last but certainly not least it occurred to me that the reoccurring issue that I’m constantly running from is my childhood. The abuse that I haven’t addressed is holding me back. So yesterday I made an appt with growing strong sexual assault center that’s set for today at 2pm.

Soooooo that’s my week in a nutshell!

Sunday to Sunday

I started this post last Sunday (7/22/18) It feels as though everyday is a fight against/with depression.  I don’t know the last time I “checked in” with myself but I know that every time I “check in” (or maybe every other time) with myself the conversation sounds about the same  “why am I so tired and in so much pain” “have I been absent from mindfulness for so many minutes, hours, days, weeks that I have forgotten something important” “have I been taking my medicine” “this can’t be a normal way to feel”

Sunday’s seem to be the worse for self reflection. Especially if things haven’t been great for me!

Since I didn’t complete that post I will use this as an opportunity to point out the difference a week can make! 

I am in a much better mood this Sunday. I’m sitting here now, reflecting on the last week. I am not sure what has contributed to this better mood but instead of coming up with something to answer the above question, my mind wondered off to many other things!  Before I moved back to Decatur in 2013 I had very little opportunity for stability which meant I was always rushing through things because I knew something would soon be changing ie: where I lived, where I worked, going to school and so on. Now for the first time I have lived in the same place for 5 years and I was working at the same place for 5 years. I’ve been in the same place long enough to see the 3 younger kids have all graduated high school and have went to college and are living on their own. I’m rambling aren’t I? Well to reign it all in: I’ve never had the stability that I now have which has afforded me the opportunity to catch up with myself and even start to like myself! I just registered for college again! I’ve always wanted to get a bachelors degree and I’ve always wanted to get paid for doing something I like…..helping people…….but nursing wasn’t meant to be forever……..

To understand why nursing wasn’t meant to be forever I am writing another post: “Nursing in a Nursing home”

For goodness sake….I don’t think this post has actually been about anything in particular!!

Daydreaming

In comparison to me my husband is very outgoing!! In his career (10+ years in sales 10 years owning his own business) he has to put himself “out there” daily. He is constantly having to”sell himself” and he genuinely does a good job of it! I feel that these same personality traits are the ones that allow him to vividly tell me stories that involve our lives taking a turn for the better whether it’s small and temporary or on a large long term scale. I honestly wish I could be in his world. It appears to be so wonderful and magical to someone like me: Quiet, (unless you mess with my loved ones, I had several disputes with teachers and MDs when my kids were young) shy, paralyzed with fear of rejection……

However, if I were to allow myself to daydream I think it would look like this:

That looks like a great life to me! Old house out in the country with Edgar the Super Bestest Pig Ever, his sidekick Cat Buddy Jerry, a few rescue pigs, lots of Sunflowers and then inspirational/serene walks! The reason why I bring all this up is: I feel that many people (like my husband) are genuinely able to see themselves doing whatever it is that they want to do and some how that enables them to move/propel themselves in that direction.

Nearly everyday I go over the same things in my head: What can I do today to make my life better? After coming up with most of the same answers as the day before, I start reading up on whatever will motivate me, work on my blog, or marketing our family business or developing an online store and then as the day goes on I talk myself out of any move that would actually bring some results! I have this ever present fear of failure, brought on by an ever present fear of people judging me negatively, brought on by an ever present fear of feeling shame/embarrassment which after years of therapy, reading and recently blogging I know stems from childhood……

I am the blond, naturally, being silly every chance I got! Looking at these pictures I realize a few things: 1. When I think back my memories always have a dark cloud hovering, by this time I had already had many days of witnessing abuse which at one point resulted in my jaw being broke when I fell off the side of a bed as well as many days of going without many of the things we all take for granted on a daily basis: attention from our parents, food, a safe home etc 2. I was 6 in the pic with the dress. In a year’s time my mom had left the man I thought was my Dad, moved into a women’s shelter, met a man, moved in with him and this is their wedding day. The picture with me sticking my tongue out, I am 9. By this time my mom left the last husband, I’ve experienced abuse more than once, my mom has met a new man that she has married and he has lost his job within a year so we are living in poverty and I am no longer oblivious to how bad life is. 3. Discussing the above memories is something I rarely if ever do!

Long-Term Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect – Child Welfare Information Gateway

The impact of child abuse and neglect
is often discussed in terms of physical,
psychological, behavioral, and societal
consequences. In reality, however, it
is impossible to separate the types of
impacts. Physical consequences, such as
damage to a child’s growing brain, can
have psychological implications, such as
cognitive delays or emotional difficulties.
Psychological problems often manifest as
high-risk behaviors. Depression and anxiety,
for example, may make a person more likely
to smoke, abuse alcohol or drugs, or overeat.
High-risk behaviors, in turn, can lead to
long-term physical health problems, such
as sexually transmitted diseases, cancer, and
obesity.

Suggested Citation: Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2013). Long-term consequences of child abuse and neglect. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau.

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