I’ve never had trouble getting up and going to work (when I’m employed). I’ve never had trouble working 10 hour shifts, 12 hour shifts, doubles or my days off. In the 5 years at my last job I literally NEVER called in. In the summer of 2015 my husband had an accident which kept him in the hospital (45 min from home & work) for 3 weeks and when he came home he had 2+ months of healing. During the 1st week in the hospital my boss told me not to come in the first 3 days, then I worked 2 days, driving back to the hospital each night and on the Monday of the 2nd week, the day of his surgery I thought working would keep my mind occupied but my boss told me there was no way she wanted me coming in. Each scheduled day after that I went to work!
So, the point to the above rambling is that I can’t say I am lazy when it comes to work but other than that it feels as though I am. Is it that I am lazy or that depression keeps me from wanting to do much? Is it just negative self talk that tells me that I am lazy? Is that the same voice that tells me that I can’t do this or I can’t do that!? It is as though the fatigue is unbeatable no matter how much sleep I get or how much caffeine I consume. I’ve had labs drawn several times and typically my vitamin D is low but vitamin D never fixes the fatigue.
Everyday I have all these things that I want to do. Things that are just routine and things that I have to leave the house for and things that would greatly benefit me. None of these are important enough (typically) to light a fire under my ass. The years that I raised my children by myself I could do anything under the sun as though there was a constant fire under me. So now that I don’t have to do everything I just don’t have the energy to do anything?
Well I will attempt to wrangle all this in! I realize my lack of energy is probably a combination of depression, lack of vitamin D and what I perceive as laziness may just be how life is when your not doing everything on your own. Everyday it is a battle not to have negative self talk: you can’t do it, you don’t deserve it, you will never follow through, blah blah blah. No matter how many self help articles I read I can’t convince myself that I can do what I put my mind to and I do deserve to try out my ideas and if they prove to be profitable I do deserve that as well.
I’ve always had this thought that my mom named me Sunshine because one day I would do something great or grand. Well this year I will be 29 for the 11th year in a row (I’ll let you do the math) and I’ve come to realize that my great or grand isn’t going to involve saving the entire world but possibly just my little part of it. Here are some pics from my little part of the world.
So there are many things that I am passionate about : God, Marriage, My kids and family, mental illness, poverty, prison reform and as of late: politics. Politics are mainly important to me now because I realize that is the best place to start if there is any hope to make a difference/change.
I would affectionately refer to my life as CRAZY! Of course the wheels were set in motion early on in my life. Although I do believe people are responsible for decisions they make no matter if it changes their lives for better or worse. Having said that I also believe that personalities are roughly developed 50% by environment and the rest heredity. Therefore some of our foundation as little human beings just starting out are very much out of our hands. For those of us who have the great misfortune of starting out with a less than desirable foundation I say: tough shit! Ok, not really. I say: once your old enough to know right from wrong you have to work as hard as you can to build the future you want. You have to step up and make decisions/choices that will require lots of work and may look quite different than decisions/choices that those around you have made and quite possibly are still making.
The non sugar coated version: If you are born into and/or raised in an environment that is unhealthy it is absolutely no excuse to sit on the pity pot nor is it an excuse to make bad choices that lead down a bad road!! If you get off the path (hopefully it is a path you are following with God in your heart) it is ok, just get back on track and keep going!
I have far more to offer on the subjects I am passionate about but for now I am going to work on adding links to sites that have been extremely helpful on my journey as well as links to sites that I enjoy for various reasons. Some sites are uplifting, some I visit because they give me an opportunity to be involved and/ or make a difference and some are just because!
I’ve been working at ICLC for 3 years in September. Candace has been there for several years before and now she has decided to leave us for Florida! What is she thinking? As if Illinois isn’t the best state ever. As if it is nicer in Florida some how!? As if I am not clearly reason enough to base all your life decisions on?! Come on, we all know better than that Candace!! I seriously didn’t even believe it until she put in her 2 week notice! Now I’m just convinced that she will miss us so much that she will have to come back and more sooner than later!