I’ve never had trouble getting up and going to work (when I’m employed). I’ve never had trouble working 10 hour shifts, 12 hour shifts, doubles or my days off. In the 5 years at my last job I literally NEVER called in. In the summer of 2015 my husband had an accident which kept him in the hospital (45 min from home & work) for 3 weeks and when he came home he had 2+ months of healing. During the 1st week in the hospital my boss told me not to come in the first 3 days, then I worked 2 days, driving back to the hospital each night and on the Monday of the 2nd week, the day of his surgery I thought working would keep my mind occupied but my boss told me there was no way she wanted me coming in. Each scheduled day after that I went to work!
So, the point to the above rambling is that I can’t say I am lazy when it comes to work but other than that it feels as though I am. Is it that I am lazy or that depression keeps me from wanting to do much? Is it just negative self talk that tells me that I am lazy? Is that the same voice that tells me that I can’t do this or I can’t do that!? It is as though the fatigue is unbeatable no matter how much sleep I get or how much caffeine I consume. I’ve had labs drawn several times and typically my vitamin D is low but vitamin D never fixes the fatigue.
Everyday I have all these things that I want to do. Things that are just routine and things that I have to leave the house for and things that would greatly benefit me. None of these are important enough (typically) to light a fire under my ass. The years that I raised my children by myself I could do anything under the sun as though there was a constant fire under me. So now that I don’t have to do everything I just don’t have the energy to do anything?
Well I will attempt to wrangle all this in! I realize my lack of energy is probably a combination of depression, lack of vitamin D and what I perceive as laziness may just be how life is when your not doing everything on your own. Everyday it is a battle not to have negative self talk: you can’t do it, you don’t deserve it, you will never follow through, blah blah blah. No matter how many self help articles I read I can’t convince myself that I can do what I put my mind to and I do deserve to try out my ideas and if they prove to be profitable I do deserve that as well.
There is such a terrible connotation with being unemployed. Additionally when you are already depressed everything seems bigger than it is. The good news is, I have an interview tomorrow. The bad news is, I have an interview tomorrow and I have to give a reason for leaving the last place.
More good news, I’m leaving the house today!! Of course it’s 2pm on the 4th day but who is keeping track.
Everyone asks if I am ever anxious or ever have anxiety. I never feel I do unless I’m planning a get together or I have to speak on front of people. Having said that I think I’ve said before they’re constantly feels like something is looming over my head. I just don’t understand why I always feel like I need cheering up. Actually maybe that’s sort of the definition of depression now that I think about it.
I have all these wonderful plans all of which I could be working on at this moment but for some reason my present state of mine doesn’t seem to want me to get it done. It almost feels like self-sabotage LOL. I know for a fact that I could start a home health or senior sitter service and be successful because everyone that I’ve talked to you about it said they would certainly recommend me. So why don’t I complete the steps to get this going? I’ve been promising my husband for 2 weeks now that I would help him get an online store setup and I haven’t completed the steps for that either.
So, I was fired today. I’ve been trying to write post since it happen at 2:30 p.m. Monday. Naturally this will not help with the deep dark depression that routinely haunts me. The usual or familiar feeling of not wanting anyone to know what happen, the extreme worry and concern of how the bills will get paid, the extreme fear of never finding another job because they will wonder why you lost the one you had have been ever present today and kept me in tears much of the day.
So to review: 12 hours ago I had a full time job as a nurse. That seem to define me other than being a mom. Now, I have to make a conscience decision to not sit on my pittypot and that is just soooo much work.
All I can think of is the paper they handed me marked: dismissal
Anyone who has ever had me take care of their loved one has given me the highest of compliments. They are always so appreciative of my care for their loved one. Surely this will turn into a good thing.
I hope I will wake up tomorrow and I’ll feel so much better and the answer of what to do next will some how be right in front of my face!