Father’s Day

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It was only recently that I realized how little regard I had for the “father role”. I had no idea who my biological father was until I was 15 and when I met him he said “I couldn’t be sure at the time because of your mom”. So in once fail swoop he let me know that 1: it didn’t matter enough to him to figure it out and 2: because of your mom…….implying what? That my mom was sleeping around? Wow what a good start. At any rate, no real love lost there. During my childhood my mom did marry several times and all though they all had some endearing qualities (I use this term in the loosest possible way) they all were actually the last person you would want your mom to marry.  OK, after saying that I feel kind of bad, 1 1/2 of them were OK. Point being still no one showing me that fathers actually matter. I remember thinking to myself at one point that if/when I had children I would be better off just raising them on my own.

After doing everything ass backwards, getting pregnant very young, married very young, divorced young and then having my girls, and then leaving their dad. I actually found myself in a position in 2013 that would lead me to realize how important and wonderful fathers can be! My girls father and I got back together as our youngest daughter was starting her freshman year of high school. I thought I had made an awful mistake because our daughter aka our Princess aka Alexa and her Dad could not see eye to eye. Alexa gave her Dad a run for his money every time he tried to enforce the rules. She would even tell me I was letting him be mean to her by taking her phone away.

In 2015 my husband had a diving accident (this was kind of self induced but changed our lives forever due to the traumatic brain injury TBI) Austin and Alexa could not see their dad in such a condition but Alexa clearly has come to love her father more than ever!alexaanddad.jpg

So, here we are: 2018. Our 3 children we raised together have all gone off to college, are working while going to school, have their own places etc. I genuinely believe now that God intended on their being 2 parents (or more) involved in a child’s life. Regardless of the family dynamics it is virtually impossible for 1 parent to give a child everything they need. There is no balance.

I just want to say: Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers. If you aren’t in your kids lives please make an effort to do so!

This is my husband and I the day before the accident, We’re pretty sure he got a face lift in surgery! =+)meandrogdaybeforeaccident

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Pulling The Trigger

I have no idea what I’m afraid of….. Wait that’s a lie after years of counseling I do know what I’m afraid of…. Failure!! I spend an unbelievable amount of time online everyday researching various things I want to do or need to do and yet I still don’t do the final step to get whatever “it” is going. Among a few issues that I have that my husband does not , difficulty pulling the trigger is high on the list. He is so sweet and loving and tries to get me over the hump but he has no fear of failure or rejection. He does not realize that it is actually paralyzing. I like to announce that I’m going to do things that I don’t want to do in hopes that someone will help me enforce it LOL. Yesterday I said I’m going to do two things that I don’t want to do & I am going to get them done by the end of the day. So, at the top of my “pulling the trigger list”

1: link my blog to FB

This may seem very obvious to some but I’m so scared of being judged that I just won’t do it.

2: publish the new FB page I made for at home care for seniors

I am more than qualified for this and I clearly have to pay my bills so I’m not sure the exact Fear Factor here.

3: create a website for the above-mentioned business and or add a page to this website. 3 1/2: Nor have I putting to place any of the other 25 things that I’ve researched over the last three years for making money at home and or online.

Whatever my reasoning is for not getting it done is surely directly related to the reason for number 2.

In true Sunshine fashion I have done several hours of research on pulling the trigger or lack thereof. I am a very good procrastinator so I’m sure that has something to do with it. I do lack self-discipline although I do not like determination. I am terrible at forming new habits, again this is not something my husband can relate to. I drive him crazy because I don’t shut the door, I don’t shut off the light, I don’t shut cabinet doors and I don’t put my stuff in the same place every time. I’ve put a lot of thought into this one and I’m pretty sure that it’s directly related to the hierarchy of needs. Growing up the daily worries were will I have a light to shut off or a door to shut. I certainly never worried about putting things in the same place every time!

I do try to get to a resolution by the end of my post but I just don’t have one for this.

Love and Happily Ever After

So I am sure that many people ponder the true meaning of love! However, I am not sure that everyone is willing to feel vulnerable enough to find any answers. I do believe there are some necessary ingredients in “love”.  For the sake of this particular post I want to point out that I am speaking of the love between 2 people that are either married and or in a committed relationship that is intended to be long term. 

There is more than one way to maintain a committed relationship! Having said that; maintaining a committed relationship that is loving and mutually respectful takes work every single day. It is much like anything else worth while in life: good health/ losing weight, raising well rounded children (sideways glance), a good education, a fulfilling career……it takes hard work, dedication, mindfulness, passion and a ton of patience!!

For me I do not think any of the above is done well on our own, I know that it is because I have a relationship with a very loving, supportive, forgiving and ever present God that makes me the person I am:  I will never pretend to be the spokesperson for most peoples idea of a highly religious individual but I know full well that I couldn’t have made it through the things I have made it through much less continue to strive to be the person I want to be on my own.

I happen to be a hopeless romantic and I have always long for a “happily every after”. It took me years to realize that I can have “Happily Ever After” but it doesn’t fall in your lap and it most definitely won’t occur in a storybook manor and no 2 couples will have nor should they have the same path to get there!

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