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Deep Dark Depression with a side of Sunshine

There just has to be a point in time when I won’t have to struggle with depression! I’m not quite sure when this time will come but I’ve come to realize that all the years I ran around like crazy seem to keep me busy enough that I never had to dwell on depression. All the years I spent in counseling I kept being told that I feed off the chaos in my life…..

Yet at the same time, all the chaos kept me sane….. Once life calmed down that’s when I realized all the “unfinished business” from my childhood was/had been contributing to years of depression. The only problem with all this is that when you live a life of chaos and life calms down, you become lost. You lose focus and determination. You no longer have to put out fire after fire…

My only savior has been focusing on being a nurse and a mom. I call this the Sunshiney way or…..I say focused but it’s actually been a little obsessed. Once I figure out how to rewire my brain I’ll let everyone know!

The Fine Folks of F. City

I am beyond furious and due to a complete lack of ability to change current events, I am going to blog about a personal event going on with my family. Typically I wouldn’t really be ready/willing to post about this but I have to get out my overwhelming frustration somewhere, somehow.

1: My son is currently in the Piatt county jail in Monticello, IL. He just got out of prison about 2 years ago and completed parole a couple of months ago. Then he was arrested for supposedly making someone else  commit a crime. Apparently the states attorney has come to the conclusion that they do not have enough evidence to charge him but they are probably going to let him sit there throughout November and December.

2: Today I went to visit my son and the police chief showed up to take my phone because I supposedly threatened my daughter in law about testifying against my son. I in no way buy into conspiracy theories but this is at least the 3rd time the F.C. police department has wreaked havoc on my family.

3: I’ve reached out time and again to get help for my son before life got any worse for him and he is the very reason why I am so passionate about advocating for mentally ill, those in poverty and the terrible treatment going on in all American Jails and Prisons! Everyone thinks that since it is America that our prisons must be forward thinking but they absolutely are not!

For sh*ts and giggles I am posting the conversation between myself and my “daughter in law” so folks can judge for themselves!! I have to preface this with a couple of disclosures: 1. I was using speak to text 2. I can’t explain why Chealsie talks the way she does.

I do not know why you’re avoiding or ignoring me but Sean said to come see him in DeWitt County tonight I think he has court Monday the 6th although I guess you know that because you have to testify that day.

Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay yeah I do he was going to put me in jail when I had nothing to do with it and my kids come before your son… and no I was not my phone got dropped in water so I have to use my mom’s phone to get on anything and I was at work
First of all they were lying to you Chelsea but I guess you didn’t understand that and my grandchildren and my son are important thank you very much
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay well ur son was trying to send me to jail and I had nothing to do with it cuz he didn’t want to put his brother In jail fuck that… he talks about my sister being a bitch and don’t trust her but he will throw me In jail for nothing
But I will go see him sunfau
What are you talking about he’s trying to put you in jail? When did Sean try to put you in jail he told me the entire time not to be mad at you because you have to do what’s right for you and the kids
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay well then why are u trying to come at me crazy then… I love him and do what I have to this time but everyone got to lay off me about shot I have to do for my babys…. but seanna been asking about coming to stay with u
Chelsea you can’t just make stuff up like that we are talking about the life of someone I gave birth to so he is very very very very important to me and it’s a huge deal to say that he’s trying to put you in jail because that never ever happen! And I don’t know what you’re talking about coming at you crazy all I said is I guess you know that he has court is that not a fact?
The attorney told you that you didn’t have to make a statement to the cops you chose to do that because Farmer City cops are liars but it doesn’t matter because it will all be taken care of in court
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
He said that tho
Okay how do u no what they are going to ask
Who said what? I know what will be asked because I talked to the lawyer
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay so what will be ask then
And seanna wants to stay with u sumtime
I understand about Shawna Sean would like to see her as well. And I don’t know what you mean what is the state’s attorney going to ask for the public defender?
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay well seanna is going up there to see him Sunday but she is not coming with me on the 6th
Why is it that you always avoid me or ignore me or change your Facebook or run off or what have you every time Sean goes to jail but you guys been together 8 years if you don’t want to be with him when he’s in jail why don’t you just break up with him all together I’m so confused either you love him or you don’t
I’m saying did the State’s Attorney’s office tell you that you would be in trouble if you didn’t make a statement or did the police department tell you you would be in trouble if you did make a statement?
Because the attorney will ask you when you’re on the stand if you were promised anything for your statement such as not getting in trouble
When I went to see Sean on Sunday he had absolutely no idea that he had court as soon as November 6th that’s what I don’t understand
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Wtf are u taking about I moved back to get my god damn job back so I did and now am getting my apt and shit looking up for me why is that every time he is in jail everything works out for my life and I do love sean I will always love sean why is it that you don’t have shit to do with my kids but all about katilyns kids why do I have to say something to u about them or sean why can u ever call me and tell me your coming to get her but I love him and going to do what’s right this time
It has nothing to do with your kids Chelsea right now I can’t be around you I can’t separate my feelings so please stop digging at me can you not understand Shawn is my son?
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
I do understand do u understand that am doing what’s best for my kids
And I haven’t seen any rain kid in over 2 months so please stop feeling sorry for yourself. I feel bad enough as it is
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
I don’t feel sorry for my self am happy and don’t need this dream ass shit do i no your son did what he did now him and that is not my damn fault that your SON fucked up again I was at work I told him plz don’t and left for work the rest was on him
Chelsea Sean didn’t do s*** first of all but clearly you don’t have a clue what love is because love has absolutely no ending probation jail kids grandkids. The difference between you and Sean is he would be your ride or die you would never be his. Really I’m done with the conversation it’s none of my business it’s between you and Sean I just wanted to let you know that he wanted to see you and the babies and that he loves you and I pray to God that your statement doesn’t count for anything.
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Bye now
And sean did do something but believe what u want am not going down for no one when i had nothing to do with the tucked up shit
Sean did not physically do anything there’s absolutely no evidence to that so you can say you heard this before he said that but that doesn’t mean he did anything chealsie
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Bye now
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Nd the only time u guys talk to him on the regular is when he Is In jail like that’s the only time u talk to him on the regular… like i hate fighting with u but this not getting push on me I no I didn’t do shit wrong and no one on this world is going to make me fill any diff… but I will always and forever love sean nd you but this fighting shit has to stop
Do not ever message me again about when I do and do not talk to my son
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Tenor GIF Keyboard
You will just talk about not arguing and then you send some child ass s*** like that
Sean avoids me when he’s not doing right it has nothing to do with when I talk to him
Just please leave me alone chealsie

Pondering Life

I have this ever present longing, for what I am not sure, to do something great I guess. The funny thing is that if I come across a situation or cause that I can do nothing about it really bothers me! Whether it be in my personal life, something I see happening at work, ¬†or something I have heard about on the news that I feel passionate about. I just feel like I want to help in some way and I just don’t know how.

I am sure this drive is directly related to my becoming a nurse. Unfortunately this has been a good and bad choice. Good because I love to help people and bad because often my hands are tied as a nurse. I spend so much of my time advocating for my residents that I feel exhausted.

Every cause I come across: Nursing Homes, Poverty, Mental Health, Overcrowded Prisons & Mandatory Minimums. I research for hours on end and I’m not quite sure why but I’m sure it’s because I feel ¬†I can make a difference somehow. I have done a handful of things to do my little part. I work in a nursing home so I’ve presented several ideas to my supervisors to make things better. I go out of my way to make things bearable for my residents!! As far as the other causes mentioned, I have sent several letters to politicians pleading for change as well as educating myself about the politicians so I can feel good when I go to vote. I joined FAMM: families against mandatory minimums and allows you to sign petitions that directly affect people and their causes. Lastly I started this blog in hopes that I will say something or provide information to someone that will be of help and/or make a difference!



Openly Depressed

Depression is a big part of my life. I’ve been going to counseling for most of my life. ¬†I know full well a big part of warding off the negative feelings associated with depression is to take my medicine regularly. So why is it I feel it is OK to go days and even weeks without taking my medicine? ¬†I am a nurse so that is just one more reason I should know better but for some reason it doesn’t work like that. At times going to appointments, keeping up with scripts and working through the awful world of health insurance requires more effort than I am willing to put in to anything. After going a month without any medicine and several months without taking anything consistently I finally made it back to the Dr. and went back to taking Wellbutrin. Of course the Dr. office called the script into the wrong pharmacy and it was a holiday weekend so it took FOREVER to get it straightened out but I got it! Yeah me! One small victory! Woo Woo!!

I’ve come to realize that openly working through depression helps in several ways.

1: I have a larger support system

2: I have more people to help hold me accountable (taking my medicine and going to appts)

3: Depression comes with such a terrible stigma and if openly sharing my struggle helps even one person than I am thrilled!

Why does it have to be so difficult

There is so much baggage to carry around after a sh*t childhood. Each day that goes by seems so flipping difficult than the day before.

2 weeks ago my mother moved in with me. I embraced it the best I could, thinking this will surely lead to some ¬†kind of mental health!! I really thought it seemed healthy. Then My mom’s money from social security disability was loaded onto her account. She made a list of reasonable items that she wanted to purchase and when I tried to show her some options online for a phone she started giving Roger (my husband) a hateful look and started yelling at us that she would not be paying for any bills! Then my “crippled mother” took off out that back door down toward the gas station. That was around 2 am & did not knock on the door until 6 am and when she did asked me: why ¬†didn’t you tell me? Referring to the argument we had before she left. ¬†Some how my childhood came up and I asked her why she was running off like she did when I was a child.

National Hospital Week aka Nurses Week, aka Mothers Day followed by Nursing Home Week : The week in review

So I am a firm believer that it is of the up most importance to be “normal”. I’ve come to the conclusion the the previous sentence is proof of my ongoing bout with insanity! ¬†Let me attempt to explain how this has anything to do with the title.

Everyday I exclaim to my coworkers “you have to be a little crazy to survive working in healthcare”, I state this to cover a few topics that my self conscience brain uses on me daily: 1: I should be normal and although I don’t know for sure what that means, I know that it lies somewhere in the June Cleaver household (those of you under 40 will need to google the relationship between June Cleaver and “normal”) 2: Because I can’t “live up” to that version of normal I must be “crazy” . ¬†To¬†prove to myself ¬†that all my actions are acceptable I have to believe that “you have to be a little crazy to survive working in healthcare”. No one should ¬†have a thought process this complicated!!

Lastly, due to the insanity of LTC there isn’t quite the excitement or enthusiasm in¬†celebrating¬†anything in the title this year!

Lastly, lastly ask me again in 2 days and I’ll think nursing is the next best thing to sliced cheese!

My Friends and Family

I’ve always had this thought that my mom named me Sunshine because one day I would do something great or grand. Well this year I will be 29 for the 11th year in a row (I’ll let you do the math) and I’ve come to realize that my great or grand isn’t going to involve saving the entire world but possibly just my little part of it. Here are some pics from my little part of the world.

Recovering from your Childhood

I am just starting on my most difficult and private journey. I want to get this part of my story out first and offer what resources I have come across. At this point in my life my story actually starts out: Recovering from childhood abuse before your spouse becomes a victim.

1. You move through the shame and secrecy that keeps you isolated
2. You move through denial and acknowledge the truth of your abuse
3. You make it possible to get understanding and help
4. You get more in touch with your feelings
5. You get a chance to see your experience (and yourself) through the compassionate eyes of a supporter
6. You make space in relationships for the kind of intimacy that comes from honesty
7. You help end child sexual abuse by breaking the silence in which it thrives
8. You become a model for other survivors
9. You begin to take back what was taken from you
10. Telling the truth about our hurt and our loss lessens the power it has over us

Do you need to tell comeone about your experience of sexual abuse or assault?

Call 1.800.656.HOPE

Thing’s that are important to me

So there are many things that I am passionate about : God, Marriage, My kids and family, mental illness, poverty, prison reform and as of late: politics. Politics are mainly important to me now because I realize that is the best place to start if there is any hope to make a difference/change. 

I would affectionately refer to my life as CRAZY!  Of course the wheels were set in motion early on in my life. Although I do believe people are responsible for decisions they make no matter if it changes their lives for better or worse. Having said that I also believe that personalities are roughly developed 50%  by environment and the rest heredity. Therefore some of our foundation as little human beings just starting out are very much out of our hands. For those of us who have the great misfortune of starting out with a less than desirable foundation I say: tough shit! Ok, not really. I say: once your old enough to know right from wrong you have to work as hard as you can to build the future you want. You have to step up and make decisions/choices that will require lots of work and may look quite different than decisions/choices that those around you have made and quite possibly are still making. 

The non sugar coated version: If you are born into and/or raised in an environment that is unhealthy it is absolutely no excuse to sit on the pity pot nor is it an excuse to make bad choices that lead down a bad road!!  If you get off the path (hopefully it is a path you are following with God in your heart) it is ok,  just get back on track and keep going!

I have far more to offer on the subjects I am passionate about but for now I am going to work on adding links to sites that have been extremely helpful on my journey as well as links to sites that I enjoy for various reasons. Some sites are uplifting, some I visit because they give me an opportunity to be involved and/ or make a difference and some are just because!

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