The grocery store/Walmart

I have a love-hate relationship with going to get groceries or to Walmart. I certainly feel like I fall under the category of someone who doesn’t love to go places if I don’t have to. Other times I think social interaction makes you no keeps you kind of sane because you realize everybody has to go to the store okay well not Eminem but, like the rest of us.

So there’s like men shopping and they are get in and get out, typically speaking, accept for the middle son who takes an entire half hour at Denny’s to cut up his pancakes.

And there are the women who are either trying to hurry because they have Screaming Meanies with them or women just always in a rush. Then there is everyone else who stops like I do at every item to weigh its importance in my life

and it really brings a smile to my face when I see someone else shopping in that manner.

Of all nights tonight there is no self-checkout lanes open so yay me after not leaving the house in a week my first trip out and I have to interact with human beings lol I told the young lady at the register I had drove and did math correctly tonight so I was very proud of myself I’m sure she thought I was crazy but she did laugh. To add to the magic of my Excursion the local radio station is playing Sunday night Slow Jams. It should certainly be called Sunday night baby making music!

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All in a week

I don’t know if I’ll ever post this but I’m writing it anyway. For the last 4 years I’ve been taking  prescription medication. I’ve tried to wean myself off. Last week I became so sick from a virus that I couldn’t get out of bed so I thought it would be a good time to try again! So last Wednesday I started titrating down (I’m in no way suggesting that this is the best way for anyone else to do this) and last night was the very last of the very last. I sweat and then I’m cold, back and forth, back and forth. I took my Wellbutrin and Buspar last night along with melatonin and I slept from midnight until 8am without my legs becoming restless which is amazing. However I couldn’t get out of bed until noon because I was still so tired and cold! Thank God for Edgar!

He keeps me going no matter what and if course my ever patient husband

They keep me in good spirits and faith keeps me strong. So being sick and tapering off “unnecessary” medication isn’t enough so mother nature made her appearance (my opinion about this is in a post: thank you Eve), my oldest son had been arrested the week before for a FTA (failure to appear) and was released on the same Wednesday as above (8/15/18) which could have been a good thing but that’s a whole post by itself.

So during this week 8/15-8/22 I’ve been trying to get things in order to start school (first class was Monday and thankfully it’s only 1 day a week) today I wake up and check the mail and find a letter saying my financial aid wasn’t processed because they were lacking documentation! Documentation I sent in last week during my misery

So I called and the person they told me to send the documentation to hadn’t even been in and had 45 emails she hasn’t gone through. They claim however that they will get it worked out!

Last but certainly not least it occurred to me that the reoccurring issue that I’m constantly running from is my childhood. The abuse that I haven’t addressed is holding me back. So yesterday I made an appt with growing strong sexual assault center that’s set for today at 2pm.

Soooooo that’s my week in a nutshell!

Laziness

life won't catch up

 

I’ve never had trouble getting up and going to work (when I’m employed). I’ve never had trouble working 10 hour shifts, 12 hour shifts, doubles or my days off. In the 5 years at my last job I literally NEVER called in. In the summer of 2015 my husband had an accident which kept him in the hospital (45 min from home & work) for 3 weeks and when he came home he had 2+ months of healing. During the 1st week in the hospital my boss told me not to come in the first 3 days, then I worked 2 days, driving back to the hospital each night and on the Monday of the 2nd week, the day of his surgery I thought working would keep my mind occupied but my boss told me there was no way she wanted me coming in. Each scheduled day after that I went to work!tired nurse

So, the point to the above rambling is that I can’t say I am lazy when it comes to work but other than that it feels as though I am. Is it that I am lazy or that depression keeps me from wanting to do much? Is it just negative self talk that tells me that I am lazy? Is that the same voice that tells me that I can’t do this or I can’t do that!? It is as though the fatigue is unbeatable no matter how much sleep I get or how much caffeine I consume. I’ve had labs drawn several times and typically my vitamin D is low but vitamin D never fixes the fatigue. Vitamin-D-Deficiency

Everyday I have all these things that I want to do. Things that are just routine and things that I have to leave the house for and things that would greatly benefit me. None of these are important enough (typically) to light a fire under my ass. The years that I raised my children by myself I could do anything under the sun as though there was a constant fire under me. So now that I don’t have to do everything I just don’t have the energy to do anything? superhero mom running

Well I will attempt to wrangle all this in! I realize my lack of energy is probably a combination of depression, lack of vitamin D and what I perceive as laziness may just be how life is when your not doing everything on your own. Everyday it is a battle not to have negative self talk: you can’t do it, you don’t deserve it, you will never follow through, blah blah blah. No matter how many self help articles I read I can’t convince myself that I can do what I put my mind to and I do deserve to try out my ideas and if they prove to be profitable I do deserve that as well.

Eminem & Bonnaroo 2018

So I have had a longing (we will call it) to see Eminem for nearly 20 years! My older daughter: Soleil who is 20 became a big Eminem fan in 2011 after meeting her best friend Breigh. As much as I would like to deny it I think Breigh qualifies as the biggest fan out of 3 of us and then Soleil and myself. (I’m basing this off the fact that she knows every word to every song…and not like when people say: I know everyone of his songs…..she genuinely knows every word!

At any rate, fast forward to January of this year. Soleil and I were at work together and she was looking up dates to see Eminem. Well our little world was changed forever!! She found it! Bonnaroo 2018 featured artist: Eminem!!!! For those who don’t know about Bonnaroo it is a huge camping/music festival on a farm held every June in Manchester TN 

 

Of course I don’t agree with everything ever said in every Eminem song but I am not one of those people that base my entertainment choices on how the person is otherwise! Having said that I did stop watching Grey’s Anatomy because Shonda Rhimes killed off Dr. McDreamy and I tweeted her to let her know!!

At any rate, the experience was amazing all around. It was primitive camping and our campsite had to be a mile away from “Centaroo” the weather was as hot as possible all day long, so happy the rain stayed away though.

No matter the heat, cost, waiting in lines I would absolutely do it again in a minute. There is certainly something to be said for getting to see your favorite musician/artist! I’ve always loved Eminem’s music, I loved that he was bold enough to say whatever and it meant a lot to me because I could relate to his point of coming from nothing and fighting so hard to get to a better place!

The Fine Folks of F. City

I am beyond furious and due to a complete lack of ability to change current events, I am going to blog about a personal event going on with my family. Typically I wouldn’t really be ready/willing to post about this but I have to get out my overwhelming frustration somewhere, somehow.

1: My son is currently in the Piatt county jail in Monticello, IL. He just got out of prison about 2 years ago and completed parole a couple of months ago. Then he was arrested for supposedly making someone else  commit a crime. Apparently the states attorney has come to the conclusion that they do not have enough evidence to charge him but they are probably going to let him sit there throughout November and December.

2: Today I went to visit my son and the police chief showed up to take my phone because I supposedly threatened my daughter in law about testifying against my son. I in no way buy into conspiracy theories but this is at least the 3rd time the F.C. police department has wreaked havoc on my family.

3: I’ve reached out time and again to get help for my son before life got any worse for him and he is the very reason why I am so passionate about advocating for mentally ill, those in poverty and the terrible treatment going on in all American Jails and Prisons! Everyone thinks that since it is America that our prisons must be forward thinking but they absolutely are not!

For sh*ts and giggles I am posting the conversation between myself and my “daughter in law” so folks can judge for themselves!! I have to preface this with a couple of disclosures: 1. I was using speak to text 2. I can’t explain why Chealsie talks the way she does.

I do not know why you’re avoiding or ignoring me but Sean said to come see him in DeWitt County tonight I think he has court Monday the 6th although I guess you know that because you have to testify that day.

Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay yeah I do he was going to put me in jail when I had nothing to do with it and my kids come before your son… and no I was not my phone got dropped in water so I have to use my mom’s phone to get on anything and I was at work
Sunshine
First of all they were lying to you Chelsea but I guess you didn’t understand that and my grandchildren and my son are important thank you very much
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay well ur son was trying to send me to jail and I had nothing to do with it cuz he didn’t want to put his brother In jail fuck that… he talks about my sister being a bitch and don’t trust her but he will throw me In jail for nothing
But I will go see him sunfau
Sunshine
What are you talking about he’s trying to put you in jail? When did Sean try to put you in jail he told me the entire time not to be mad at you because you have to do what’s right for you and the kids
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay well then why are u trying to come at me crazy then… I love him and do what I have to this time but everyone got to lay off me about shot I have to do for my babys…. but seanna been asking about coming to stay with u
Sunshine
Chelsea you can’t just make stuff up like that we are talking about the life of someone I gave birth to so he is very very very very important to me and it’s a huge deal to say that he’s trying to put you in jail because that never ever happen! And I don’t know what you’re talking about coming at you crazy all I said is I guess you know that he has court is that not a fact?
Sunshine
The attorney told you that you didn’t have to make a statement to the cops you chose to do that because Farmer City cops are liars but it doesn’t matter because it will all be taken care of in court
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
He said that tho
Okay how do u no what they are going to ask
Sunshine
Who said what? I know what will be asked because I talked to the lawyer
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay so what will be ask then
And seanna wants to stay with u sumtime
Sunshine
I understand about Shawna Sean would like to see her as well. And I don’t know what you mean what is the state’s attorney going to ask for the public defender?
😠1
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Okay well seanna is going up there to see him Sunday but she is not coming with me on the 6th
Sunshine
Why is it that you always avoid me or ignore me or change your Facebook or run off or what have you every time Sean goes to jail but you guys been together 8 years if you don’t want to be with him when he’s in jail why don’t you just break up with him all together I’m so confused either you love him or you don’t
Sunshine
I’m saying did the State’s Attorney’s office tell you that you would be in trouble if you didn’t make a statement or did the police department tell you you would be in trouble if you did make a statement?
Because the attorney will ask you when you’re on the stand if you were promised anything for your statement such as not getting in trouble
When I went to see Sean on Sunday he had absolutely no idea that he had court as soon as November 6th that’s what I don’t understand
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Wtf are u taking about I moved back to get my god damn job back so I did and now am getting my apt and shit looking up for me why is that every time he is in jail everything works out for my life and I do love sean I will always love sean why is it that you don’t have shit to do with my kids but all about katilyns kids why do I have to say something to u about them or sean why can u ever call me and tell me your coming to get her but I love him and going to do what’s right this time
Sunshine
It has nothing to do with your kids Chelsea right now I can’t be around you I can’t separate my feelings so please stop digging at me can you not understand Shawn is my son?
Sean*
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
I do understand do u understand that am doing what’s best for my kids
Sunshine
And I haven’t seen any rain kid in over 2 months so please stop feeling sorry for yourself. I feel bad enough as it is
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
I don’t feel sorry for my self am happy and don’t need this dream ass shit do i no your son did what he did now him and that is not my damn fault that your SON fucked up again I was at work I told him plz don’t and left for work the rest was on him
Sunshine
Chelsea Sean didn’t do s*** first of all but clearly you don’t have a clue what love is because love has absolutely no ending probation jail kids grandkids. The difference between you and Sean is he would be your ride or die you would never be his. Really I’m done with the conversation it’s none of my business it’s between you and Sean I just wanted to let you know that he wanted to see you and the babies and that he loves you and I pray to God that your statement doesn’t count for anything.
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Bye now
And sean did do something but believe what u want am not going down for no one when i had nothing to do with the tucked up shit
Sunshine
Sean did not physically do anything there’s absolutely no evidence to that so you can say you heard this before he said that but that doesn’t mean he did anything chealsie
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Bye now
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Nd the only time u guys talk to him on the regular is when he Is In jail like that’s the only time u talk to him on the regular… like i hate fighting with u but this not getting push on me I no I didn’t do shit wrong and no one on this world is going to make me fill any diff… but I will always and forever love sean nd you but this fighting shit has to stop
Sunshine
Do not ever message me again about when I do and do not talk to my son
Chealsie Broeker Schoonover
Tenor GIF Keyboard
Sunshine
You will just talk about not arguing and then you send some child ass s*** like that
Sean avoids me when he’s not doing right it has nothing to do with when I talk to him
Just please leave me alone chealsie
sunshinerayfegett@wordpress

Pondering Life

I have this ever present longing, for what I am not sure, to do something great I guess. The funny thing is that if I come across a situation or cause that I can do nothing about it really bothers me! Whether it be in my personal life, something I see happening at work,  or something I have heard about on the news that I feel passionate about. I just feel like I want to help in some way and I just don’t know how.

I am sure this drive is directly related to my becoming a nurse. Unfortunately this has been a good and bad choice. Good because I love to help people and bad because often my hands are tied as a nurse. I spend so much of my time advocating for my residents that I feel exhausted.

Every cause I come across: Nursing Homes, Poverty, Mental Health, Overcrowded Prisons & Mandatory Minimums. I research for hours on end and I’m not quite sure why but I’m sure it’s because I feel  I can make a difference somehow. I have done a handful of things to do my little part. I work in a nursing home so I’ve presented several ideas to my supervisors to make things better. I go out of my way to make things bearable for my residents!! As far as the other causes mentioned, I have sent several letters to politicians pleading for change as well as educating myself about the politicians so I can feel good when I go to vote. I joined FAMM: families against mandatory minimums and change.org. Change.org allows you to sign petitions that directly affect people and their causes. Lastly I started this blog in hopes that I will say something or provide information to someone that will be of help and/or make a difference!

 

 

Why does it have to be so difficult

There is so much baggage to carry around after a sh*t childhood. Each day that goes by seems so flipping difficult than the day before.

2 weeks ago my mother moved in with me. I embraced it the best I could, thinking this will surely lead to some  kind of mental health!! I really thought it seemed healthy. Then My mom’s money from social security disability was loaded onto her account. She made a list of reasonable items that she wanted to purchase and when I tried to show her some options online for a phone she started giving Roger (my husband) a hateful look and started yelling at us that she would not be paying for any bills! Then my “crippled mother” took off out that back door down toward the gas station. That was around 2 am & did not knock on the door until 6 am and when she did asked me: why  didn’t you tell me? Referring to the argument we had before she left.  Some how my childhood came up and I asked her why she was running off like she did when I was a child.

Eve, you know….Adams’ wife

I would just like to take the time to thank Eve for all the fabulous perks that come along with being a female. While all of them are quite wonderful: wife (men) children (birth &speaking children) my favorite and what has prompted me to write this post is : Aunt Flow, Mother Nature, that time of the month! This has to be my favorite part of being a female! (sarcasm) Not in any particular order here are the things I love about it. How could it possible be a good idea for a female to be more emotional? I’m all for women are awesome but come on, be for real ladies, we are typically more emotional to begin with and then you wake up Thanksgiving morning crying your eyes out because you realize (in your irrational period brain) that no one loves you enough to make it to Thanksgiving dinner and you have clearly gone wrong in raising the little hellions because there can’t possibly be any other excuse that grown children with their own families wouldn’t / couldn’t make it to one of the umpteen gatherings you have each year!  Next up is the cramps, so contractions aren’t punishment enough to our bodies we had to throw in cramps?  At times cramps so debilitating you actually collapse into the first available seat at work with tears streaming down your face and everyone is looking at you like: come on, they are just cramps. Or even better, my beloved mini me (Soleil) doesn’t get headaches or cramps…..how the hell does that work?? I mean I know I should be happy for her but some how I just find it unfair!! Last but certainly not least the blood loss. So many things wrong on this front #1 wearing white, at work we can only wear blue or white scrub pants and in the event that Aunt Flow shows up unexpectedly, yeah me! Then there is the amount, how is it humanly possible? Sneezing, coughing, bending over, laughing, running…..all have to be temporarily put on hold. Twice recently I had to make an emergency change of clothes and chairs at work!! If all that isn’t enough torture there is the God awful smell……..I’ll just leave that one alone!

I must say though that I do believe there is a positive! It’s the one time of the month I don’t feel bad about eating anything I want!

Candace

I’ve been working at  ICLC for 3 years in September. Candace has been there for several years before and now she has decided to leave us for Florida! What is she thinking? As if Illinois isn’t the best state ever. As if it is nicer in Florida some how!? As if I am not clearly reason enough to base all your life decisions on?! Come on, we all know better than that Candace!! I seriously didn’t even believe it until she put in her 2 week notice! Now I’m just convinced that she will miss us so much that she will have to come back and more sooner than later!

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