I started this post last Sunday (7/22/18) It feels as though everyday is a fight against/with depression. I don’t know the last time I “checked in” with myself but I know that every time I “check in” (or maybe every other time) with myself the conversation sounds about the same “why am I so tired and in so much pain” “have I been absent from mindfulness for so many minutes, hours, days, weeks that I have forgotten something important” “have I been taking my medicine” “this can’t be a normal way to feel”
Sunday’s seem to be the worse for self reflection. Especially if things haven’t been great for me!
Since I didn’t complete that post I will use this as an opportunity to point out the difference a week can make!
I am in a much better mood this Sunday. I’m sitting here now, reflecting on the last week. I am not sure what has contributed to this better mood but instead of coming up with something to answer the above question, my mind wondered off to many other things! Before I moved back to Decatur in 2013 I had very little opportunity for stability which meant I was always rushing through things because I knew something would soon be changing ie: where I lived, where I worked, going to school and so on. Now for the first time I have lived in the same place for 5 years and I was working at the same place for 5 years. I’ve been in the same place long enough to see the 3 younger kids have all graduated high school and have went to college and are living on their own. I’m rambling aren’t I? Well to reign it all in: I’ve never had the stability that I now have which has afforded me the opportunity to catch up with myself and even start to like myself! I just registered for college again! I’ve always wanted to get a bachelors degree and I’ve always wanted to get paid for doing something I like…..helping people…….but nursing wasn’t meant to be forever……..
To understand why nursing wasn’t meant to be forever I am writing another post: “Nursing in a Nursing home”
For goodness sake….I don’t think this post has actually been about anything in particular!!
I have no idea what I’m afraid of….. Wait that’s a lie after years of counseling I do know what I’m afraid of…. Failure!! I spend an unbelievable amount of time online everyday researching various things I want to do or need to do and yet I still don’t do the final step to get whatever “it” is going. Among a few issues that I have that my husband does not , difficulty pulling the trigger is high on the list. He is so sweet and loving and tries to get me over the hump but he has no fear of failure or rejection. He does not realize that it is actually paralyzing. I like to announce that I’m going to do things that I don’t want to do in hopes that someone will help me enforce it LOL. Yesterday I said I’m going to do two things that I don’t want to do & I am going to get them done by the end of the day. So, at the top of my “pulling the trigger list”
1: link my blog to FB
This may seem very obvious to some but I’m so scared of being judged that I just won’t do it.
2: publish the new FB page I made for at home care for seniors
I am more than qualified for this and I clearly have to pay my bills so I’m not sure the exact Fear Factor here.
3: create a website for the above-mentioned business and or add a page to this website. 3 1/2: Nor have I putting to place any of the other 25 things that I’ve researched over the last three years for making money at home and or online.
Whatever my reasoning is for not getting it done is surely directly related to the reason for number 2.
In true Sunshine fashion I have done several hours of research on pulling the trigger or lack thereof. I am a very good procrastinator so I’m sure that has something to do with it. I do lack self-discipline although I do not like determination. I am terrible at forming new habits, again this is not something my husband can relate to. I drive him crazy because I don’t shut the door, I don’t shut off the light, I don’t shut cabinet doors and I don’t put my stuff in the same place every time. I’ve put a lot of thought into this one and I’m pretty sure that it’s directly related to the hierarchy of needs. Growing up the daily worries were will I have a light to shut off or a door to shut. I certainly never worried about putting things in the same place every time!
I do try to get to a resolution by the end of my post but I just don’t have one for this.
It is completely beyond me the lack of good work ethic these days. Some how there seems to be a sense of entitlement. As I’m writing this I feel myself leaning toward keeping things “politically correct’ which is what I think has assisted in this generations lack of work ethic and sense of entitlement. Whatever happen to respecting your elders and/or doing what your supervisor asks of you!?!? This subject has come up time and again recently and I always get the save response: it’s this generation, not much we can do. I’m just not buying it!! I refuse to accept that its all going to hell in a handbag and especially not when the employees I’m speaking of work in healthcare!! It’s as though forward thinking is the only way to go. Where did all the great people/employees come from that we have now? They were raised by people with good, respectable work ethics and in turn became the same type of people and I would venture to say the majority of them would/could be considered to be old fashion, not necessarily “forward thinkers”
So there are many things that I am passionate about : God, Marriage, My kids and family, mental illness, poverty, prison reform and as of late: politics. Politics are mainly important to me now because I realize that is the best place to start if there is any hope to make a difference/change.
I would affectionately refer to my life as CRAZY! Of course the wheels were set in motion early on in my life. Although I do believe people are responsible for decisions they make no matter if it changes their lives for better or worse. Having said that I also believe that personalities are roughly developed 50% by environment and the rest heredity. Therefore some of our foundation as little human beings just starting out are very much out of our hands. For those of us who have the great misfortune of starting out with a less than desirable foundation I say: tough shit! Ok, not really. I say: once your old enough to know right from wrong you have to work as hard as you can to build the future you want. You have to step up and make decisions/choices that will require lots of work and may look quite different than decisions/choices that those around you have made and quite possibly are still making.
The non sugar coated version: If you are born into and/or raised in an environment that is unhealthy it is absolutely no excuse to sit on the pity pot nor is it an excuse to make bad choices that lead down a bad road!! If you get off the path (hopefully it is a path you are following with God in your heart) it is ok, just get back on track and keep going!
I have far more to offer on the subjects I am passionate about but for now I am going to work on adding links to sites that have been extremely helpful on my journey as well as links to sites that I enjoy for various reasons. Some sites are uplifting, some I visit because they give me an opportunity to be involved and/ or make a difference and some are just because!